Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Lightning Bolt

“The crashing stormy waves erode her shoreline every day until the castle of her ways turns to sand,” Lightning Bolt, Pearl Jam

Months ago when talking to a friend of mine about the new Pearl Jam album (oh yes, we went total super fans), he said something to me regarding a certain song on the album. “I don’t know when you crossed paths with Eddie Vedder, but Lightning Bolt is so about you.” I listened to the lyrics, and nope didn’t get it. I still have no idea why he said this particular song could be about me. I went along with him since he knows pretty much everything about me — everything. Another friend agreed after I told her, but I still don’t see it. He mentioned it again the other day so it got me thinking, why is it that people see you differently than you see yourself. Why is it that some people viewed as great you view as a jerk, and vice versa. When do you start to see yourself the way others do? Good or bad.
I am a firm believer that the only opinion that matters is how you feel about yourself. But what if you don’t view yourself in a good light and others do? What about when others view you negatively? As much as you shouldn’t listen to others, you always will. Yeah you can brush it off but you still eventually will think about it.

Today I was having a very low day, just not in the best place. Immediately a best friend picked up on this and called for a phone date. This girl knows me better than I know myself sometimes. She knows what to say. She picked me up. She helped me feel better. It wasn’t just a call to feed my ego, it was a call to help me. She is always honest with me. Never hurtful, just honest. What she says I know is true, I know is right. I struggle with viewing myself the way she does, she knows this, but even knowing that she makes me feel better.
So how does one begin to see themselves the way others do? When should they? There will always be those examples of people you know that everyone else just loves and you are like “Eh, they really suck.” That is just the way of the world. Those people don’t matter. Even if they view you poorly, it doesn’t mean it is true. Those that truly see the good in you matter. As much as I try to see the good in everyone, sometimes there just isn’t any to see. But I know there is good in me. How do I start to see it? How do I start to believe it? People can tell me this until they are blue in the face, but I need to believe it. 

A recent run of bad luck and disappoint isn’t helping. Those closest to me that send me daily text messages help, but it still comes down to me. It is still me that in the end has to be strong, has to keep getting up. I have people in my corner cheering for me and against me. Those that want to see me fail. Those that want me hurt. But I know the ones cheering for me will far outweigh anyone against me. It is when you are your lowest that you realize who truly does care about you. You may be surprised to learn that some that claim they do really don’t. Their actions prove it. And you know what? Who cares about those people? I don’t have to really be a part of their life any more. Actions speak louder than words.
So in this rambling of a blog post I must ask, what would Laura Bush do? How would she start to see herself the way others do, others like me? I don’t even know if she ever has doubts. Does she see herself as I do? Does she ever worry about not being good? Well if she does, she never shows it. She never waivers in her strength and class. She always smiles.

So as I struggle I will try to live up to her example. I will try to show the world that I am good. That I am enough. It will be a daily struggle and I will fail. But when I do fail, I will dust myself off, look in the mirror and ask — What would Laura Bush do?
Hear “Lightning Bolt” here.

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