Monday, May 12, 2014


“I sure don’t mind a change, but I fell on black days. How would I know that this could be my fate,” Fell on Black Days, Soundgarden

I am starting to feel like that old joke with the punchline “not so fast Billy Ray.” Just when I start to see light at the end of the tunnel and a small glimmer of hope, bam! the wind gets knocked out of me again. As much as I say on this blog that I don’t want to give up and I always see the positive, I am not sure how much longer I can do that. Honestly, it is a struggle now. How much do I have to endure before I just give up? Seriously, I am asking. There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough. Not sure which I am right now.
I don’t mean to sound whiny, but damn if I don’t. I don’t want to be that person, but I think I have been worn down enough that I am. I despise that type of person but now I am and I despise me. It amazes me that by taking one risk, my whole life gets screwed. I took a chance and it didn’t work out and now I am fucked. Yep, that is the only word that describes my situation, deal with it. I have always been told I need to take more risks and when I finally do everything falls apart. How could I be so foolish to think something would actually go in my favor?

It is the little things I have noticed in me that show I am giving up. For example, blowing off a run this morning. I never blow off runs but I just did not feel well nor had any desire to go. I feel bad to my fellow runner but not about not running. Missing a run I fear signifies the start of something much worse, complete apathy for anything. Yes of course me missing one run isn’t going to change anything fitness wise, but it signifies emotional change. And that scares me. What will I lose interest in next? I already have no appetite, will I next just stop eating? Will I give up on friends? It is a slippery slope. And what terrifies me the most is that no one else sees it. Well, one person does and our phone dates are keeping me going. But largely people in my life I am close enough to confide in are just saying I am being a baby, to get over it. But do you ever really get over always losing?
Some of it is my fault since I bottle up everything and don’t show the world my struggle, but people who claim to be close to me should still recognize this. I may be smiling on the outside, but you need to look closer, look in my eyes. Listen to my voice. Make it about me, not you. I agree it is selfish to ask that of someone, but everyone needs to be selfish sometimes. Don’t make it about you or change the conversation to you, make it 100 percent about another person. You will be amazed how being selfless can make both you and others feel.

I do have things in my life I am thankful for and great experiences, but they are few and far between. To others it may not seem this way, but this isn’t their blog. This blog is how I see things, how I feel. And don’t just tell me it will get better and to be positive. Positive has gotten me nowhere thus far and how do you know it will get better? Give me proof or shut the hell up.
Now the beginning of this blog is nothing like Laura Bush, nothing. But the more I write, it somewhat is. Not my negativity but because the strongest people are fighting battles you know nothing about and always smile. That isn’t me right now, but that will be my goal. I do always smile in the outside world, but maybe I need to do more. I need to look to Laura Bush for guidance. When I write a negative blog, I need to stop and ask myself if this is what she would do. No it isn’t. Her life can’t be perfect but to the outside world it is and she is always happy.

As time passes there will be days that this blog isn’t especially positive, and that is Ok. We can’t always be that way. We all have bad days. But we can notice this and work at stopping it. It won’t happen overnight, but if you try you will get there. You will be Ok. I can’t guarantee the rest of my day will be super amazing or anything, but I will try to just forget it for a while. Get lost in the music when I need to. Get lost in friends. Get lost in a great book. Get lost in thinking, what would Laura Bush do?

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