Saying goodbye

“People passing by they would stop and say, Oh my that little country boy could play,” Johnny B. Goode, Chuck Berry

This week I said goodbye to an amazing woman, my grandmother. No matter how much we think we are prepared for a death, we never really are. I know she is at peace, and at 95 years of age, lived a great life. She experienced many ups and downs, but remained a fighter. Some of my best childhood memories are of times spent with her. Times my sister and I stayed the night playing Racko, staying up all night, and watching movies we really weren’t supposed to watch. The best thing was, she was always there with us having just as much fun.

Many, many years ago my grandmother said something that has been a family quote ever since. One of the times I was a topic of discussion, she simply said, “Kitt is Kitt.” She summed me up perfectly. Her true understanding of me, for good or bad, is a memory I will forever cherish and remember as I learn to live in a world without her.

More than anyone, I think my grandmother knew just how much I am my father’s daughter, her son. I may look just like my mom, but I am my dad. From sharing the same taste in music, television, books and film, to sitting the same way when watching anything, to being a little misunderstood and closed-off, I am my dad. My grandmother always seemed to understand that. She knew that my dad was my hero, in good times and bad. I like to think that he was hers as well. All families have ups and downs, but the love is always there.

So as I prepare for the influx of family arriving, and all that comes with a passing of a loved one, I remember the good and forget the bad. There is no need in remembering any of that. There is only need in celebrating a beautiful life. And when things get tense, as they always do when family is involved, I will simply stop and think, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: I picked this song because the movie Johnny B. Good was one of those films my grandmother let us watch when we really weren’t old enough. Good thing we didn’t really understand some of it!

Believing

“Well I got to keep it going keep it going full steam. Too sweet to be sour too nice to be mean,” Intergalactic, Beastie Boys

Last week I received a text from a friend that made me stop and think. Her text read, “I don’t know why I see the good in people, they mostly suck.” The text conversation continued, but I did have to wonder. Is it ever time to stop always seeing the good? Can you be hurt enough to just realize it is no longer feasible to continue believing in others?

I have always seen the good in people. As I have mentioned before, it is a fault of mine. But what would Laura Bush do when a friend starts to have doubts? She hasn’t had the best go of things, but until now she was always positive. She was a kind, genuine person. She was the kind of friend everyone should have. I have struggled as well seeing the good, even when there wasn’t any to see, but I still believe. I have been hurt, I have doubted, but for me I will continue believing in people. Is it selfish to try to push my beliefs on her when I can’t really promise people won’t disappoint her? What would Laura Bush do?

I think Laura Bush would listen. I will respond with positive thoughts, but I will understand where she is coming from. I will remind myself that I have also had my doubts, and what she needs is an ear to listen. She may doubt others, but I will show her that she won’t ever doubt me. I will continue to show her that there are good people out there. There are people who truly care about her, no matter what.

It may hurt me in the end, but I am going to continue seeing the good in people and in everything. I will show my friend the good. And I will show her what Laura Bush would do.

Author’s Note: I absolutely love the Beastie Boys. I love that their rhymes never had to be incredibly dirty or vulgar. They had a message and used words to get it out. They had fun songs, while also having thought provoking songs. I miss them.

It's Friday!

“Smile and grin at the change all around, pick up my guitar and play,” Won’t Get Fooled Again, The Who.

As some of my recent posts have alluded to, I was not having the best week. I am not complaining nor do I blame anyone else. It was just a funk I was in. It happens. But I am not dwelling on it. That is not very Laura Bush. As poorly as I may have been feeling, there were people that showed me that it didn’t matter that I was down, but also showed me that there was no need to be that way. They showed me that Laura Bush is in all of us.

Earlier in the week when it seemed that everything was just blowing up in my face, one person was sending me texts that were helping get my mind off of things. He didn’t care what was going on, who was right, he only cared about me. He said the right things and made me laugh. He has his own things going on, but he still made sure I was Ok. How is that not something Laura Bush would do?

Yesterday I had another one of my marathon phone dates with a close friend. She has been through a lot the past week, but she listened to me. She heard me. She knows that I have trouble opening up, but she didn’t let that stop me. She, in the kindest way, made me open up. She knew that I needed more than just the offer to talk, I needed the effort. I opened up more than I usually do and it was much needed. She gave advice, we laughed, and she completely turned my day and mood around. And of course, she told me to never let it get as bad as I had and to call her anytime. Well this is a given, our 2 hour phone call didn’t even come close to some of our other long calls. Much like my friend the night before, she understood I needed her and she delivered. She helped in the way only she can. She showed me that Laura Bush kindness that I seek to see in the world.

Thursday nights are my BFF nights. Besides having the most understanding husband ever, she has two of the most loving children. Kids are too young to judge and are just pure. Her kids love me with the type of unconditional love only kids can offer. Neither one cares what is going on in my life, they just want me there. They just want to see me, talk to me, and hug me. If ever in a bad mood, spend 10 minutes with those two kids and you will definitely feel better.

So today is a new day. A new day to realize that things really aren’t that bad. A new day to ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: I couldn’t think of a lyric to use today, so figured I would just go with my favorite band.

Choices

“Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you’re wrong,” Drops of Jupiter, Train

Choices I have made have been questioned lately by others, and by me. I have been judged, I have been supported, and I have been lost. The thing is, I don’t regret a single choice I have made. Those choices have gotten me where I am today, for better or for worse. To others where I am may not seem ideal, but good thing I am not them. I don’t believe any of my choices were wrong. In the moment when you make a choice, you believe it is right. It may not end well, but you had a reason to make it.

I don’t really believe in regrets either. Life sucks some times, but nothing is perfect. Do I wish some things turned out differently? Of course, but I don’t dwell on it. My decisions weren’t for anyone to agree with, they were for me. I don’t need agreement, I need respect.

Any readers of this blog know that I am not good with confrontation. I avoid it at all costs, and because of that it is easy to be blamed. I don’t feel I need to justify any of my actions. If I did, then why would I do it? Why do something you have to explain later? It is easy for everyone to gang up on me because I won’t fight back. I won’t justify myself. Partly because I avoid confrontation, partly because I don’t feel I need to. If someone isn’t going to get my side of a story, that is on them. It sucks, but I can’t change it.

So how would Laura Bush handle herself when her actions are called into question? I think she would handle it like I have been. I listen to the advice of others, accept they think I am wrong, and then simply move on. My actions are not for anyone else but me. In the end, you only have to be Ok with yourself and not take everything so personally. I may struggle with not taking everything so personally, but I never struggle with not being kind. People will sometimes always believe the negative and hear what they want, but that doesn’t mean I have to listen.

As I take a hard look at why people may believe my choices were wrong, I will remember that everyone has a right to their opinion. I don’t have to agree or really mind that others feel one way. I accept everyone’s opinion. But one thing I don’t have to accept is ever living my life by not asking, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: I am not a fan of Train, but this song was on when I was waiting in line at the store thinking about my next blog. Figured, why not use it today.

Feelings

“Ya callin’ my name, but I gotta make it clear. Can’t say where I’m gonna be in a year,” Sweet Emotion, Aerosmith

The whole idea of feelings is a tricky business. You are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Lately, I have had my feelings hurt and I have decided that maybe expressing how I feel isn’t the best bet for me. Sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve, but those days may be over. It never really gets you anywhere and rarely does it get the outcome you want.

As I have written about before, opening up is not my strong suit. I was trying to change that, but I have decided that I am done trying. Keeping it to myself has worked for me in the past, why change that? “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back” (Prov 29:11).

The thing is, you can’t change how you feel. It isn’t for anyone else to understand, your feelings are yours. Genuine people in your life will understand that. No one is ever going to always agree with you, but they can respect you. Sometimes feelings are irrational, but that is another reason they are tricky. To others they may not make sense, but trust in your feelings. No one is saying you have to be right.

I expressed some feelings earlier this week and it blew up in my face. What was I thinking? I am not that girl. I don’t get down on it or get too upset with people, I just am. This is my burden to bear. I am fully aware that to some people I provide a sort of example. When they get down they can think, well things could be worse. And that’s fine. I don’t feel the same way, but will gladly give them an escape if needed.

I have always been a strong believer in never really saying anything to someone about people who may be their friends. I don’t mean just not talking about them, especially when it’s good news, I mean putting someone in a situation to make them uncomfortable or feel they need to pick a side. I don’t believe in picking a side. I broke that belief this weekend, and I am paying for it dearly. I have upset more people than I ever intended and am kind of on my own for a while. Even after my apology, I know it is time for me to just step back for a while. I took happiness away from someone and it made me appear to be selfish. Much like my dislike for being unkind, I really dislike selfishness.

Now how does pushing it all back down resemble Laura Bush. Well, because keeping things to yourself is sometimes the kindest thing you can do. No one wants someone pointing out something they did that you possibly didn’t agree with, or understand. No one wants to be constantly told they are wrong. And if you are like me, you dislike someone making excuses for being unkind. You will never give me a good enough reason to not be kind.

As much as keeping things in can be bad for you, I have realized, for me, it is what is right for me to do at this moment in my life. No one likes a mess. No one wants a “woe is me” person in their life. It is selfish to put all your problems on someone else. My life is mine, the burden is mine.

Don’t get me wrong, there will still be people I share with. People who always listen, never judge, and most importantly, hear me. That is the thing, taking the time to really understand why someone may feel the way they do. I am fully aware that some of my feelings are crazy, but those I confide in always hear me out. They never take sides, but they make me feel that I am Ok feeling how I do. I am sure they don’t always agree, but I never feel bad for feeling how I do after a marathon phone night or a BFF night. I never feel I have to justify myself, but they also never give me a hard time. They may voice their opinion, but it is never telling me I a wrong.

Going forward I am going to just remain quiet, keep it in, and do what is asked of me. This goes against advice I just received on the phone, but I think it is best. I will keep my feelings mine and take kindness above all. It may not really be what Laura Bush would do, but it is the selfless thing to do. This may not really be the wisest decision, but it is the kindest. Putting others first and being kind, now how is that not Laura Bush?

Author’s Note: Just one of the best songs ever!

Karma

“But spirit is something that no one destroys,” The Low Spark Of High Heeled Boys, Traffic

So I think last night karma came back and got me, and got me good. As a previous blog post had mentioned, a friend was mad at me for assuming something I wrote was about them. As much as it wasn’t, feelings were hurt and they are no longer talking to me. Well my feelings were hurt last night and point taken. No matter what the full story may be, when feelings get hurt it is never a good thing.

The situation was completely different, but the end result was the same. As annoyed as I was that excuses were made, I stopped to wonder how Laura Bush would handle this. I have had some issues with the friends in question before, but I always just got over it and moved on. I kept them in my life and just dealt with the lack of understanding as to why I was upset. But should I continue to do that? Would Laura Bush?

Honestly, I am not sure. On one hand, the friendships have been a part of my life for more than half of it, so can I just throw the history and memories away? On the other hand, how much is too much? When do I just walk away? When do I realize my feelings matter and no matter the excuses or apologies, to take those in to account?

I believe that Laura Bush would remain classy, but remember the way she felt it this particular situation. I will try to remain quiet when I see them. I will not make a big deal about it, I will let them continue to think what they did was Ok. They may never learn from me remaining quiet, but I have learned that sometimes it is not worth mentioning. If things will never change, there is no use in repeating myself to deaf ears.

As I continue about my day, still very hurt, I will smile and let it go. Outside of this post, what is done is done and it is in the past. No sense in talking about it anymore, no sense in listening to excuses, and no sense in letting it bother me. The only sense is to continue to ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: This song has been running through my head since I heard it last night. Figured I would return the favor to those who are blessed enough to know the amazing catalogue of music from Traffic.