Exhausted

“I’ve been over the hill and back, survived every kind of attack. It's been a few years at that, as a matter of fact,” By Your Side, The Black Crowes

It’s exhausting being me. Now before you roll your eyes at that statement, this is not going to be one of those “woe is me” posts that are really just a fishing expedition for compliments. It is simply a statement that I will explain.

A burden that I have always carried is that I always try to see the good in people. Regardless of how this may bite me in the ass, I always try to see the good. It is tough. It is exhausting.

This past week either I or those close to me have experienced some shit from others and I am starting to think that perhaps there is no good in some people. I am starting to think that selfishness is becoming the norm. I am exhausted.

A fear of mine is becoming bitter and/or jaded. I wear blinders sometimes, but that is because I want to see the good, not the bad. People hurt me and I am sure I have hurt people. I am not perfect, but I am kind. But is starting to doubt the good in people kind? Can I doubt the good in people and still consider myself kind?

As exhausted as I may be, as hurt as I may be, as sad as some of my friends are, as bad as it, you know what? I still want to be me. The more I write this post, the more I realize that this is a burden I am willing to continue to shoulder. I don’t want to be anyone else.

As stressed as I get having to be everything to everyone, to be at everything I am invited to, to be there for everyone that needs me, I am happy to be that person. Yes, I am tired. I don’t deny that it can get old. But what if I am the only one giving someone hope? Why would I take that away from another person? Whether it is just drinks my presence is requested at, or a friend going through heartbreak, I will answer the call.

Tonight when I was out with my family I was asked a question that really was the foundation of this post. My friend looked at me and said, “they clearly don’t deserve you and definitely not your kindness, why do you do it?” I just smiled and responded, “you will never give me a good enough reason to not be kind.”

Yes I can be difficult. I can reach my limit. I can give you attitude. But at the end of the day, I am Ok with that because never am I cruel. Never am I not asking, what would Laura Bush do?

People lately have gone against my belief system. I have seen the bad in them, and not the good. It has been tough. But no matter how tough, I am trying to show them how class works. I am showing them that integrity does exist. I am showing them that no matter what they come at me with, I will still be nice. I think the world needs more of it. I think I need more of it, too.

This post is a little all over the place. It may not make sense. It may be scattered. But so am I. I am going to wake up tomorrow to a new day. I am going to put on my armor in the form of a smile. I am going to greet the world ready to deflect all the negativity. I am going to be kind. I am going to believe in the good in people. I am going to ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: I love the Black Crowes. I am sure I have used this song in the past, but when I heard it tonight it had another meaning. It was a reassurance that I must continue to be there when needed. I must continue to be me.