Monday, July 28, 2014

I am mine

“Me, I figure as each breath goes by, I only own my mind,” I Am Mine, Pearl Jam

I often wonder what it says about me when it comes to editing me around certain people. I am always me, but what does it mean when I only will share certain information? I am incredibly private, that has always been true, but why do I guard my life around certain people? Does it make me dishonest or is it more a protective shield?
The world is full of people who overshare, and I do somewhat envy them. They will just put it all out there and the outcome be damned. That is not me, that has never been me. But since I value honesty, am I basically being a hypocrite by being guarded? If I did something in my past, why do I sometimes not share? Is it judgment? Or is it just because of the trust of certain people?

There are two people in this world that I share everything with. Two people that know every detail, every feeling, but I have more friends than two. So what is my issue with sharing with everyone? If asked about something, I will respond honestly, but I will maybe not tell everything. Should I work on this? Would Laura Bush?
When I stop and think about who knows what, I begin to realize that it comes down to one word — trust. I love all my friends, but I do trust others more. This is on me as some may not have done anything in my past to warrant me being uneasy with sharing. Yes, some have. Some that were once in my life, unfortunately, know me better than I would like, but none of these would I call friend. They have shared about me with others, and that I will spend my life dealing with. I do believe talking about someone reflects more on the one speaking than the one you may be speaking of. But what does it take to be more open? What would Laura Bush do?

Well I think Laura Bush would take each person one on one. If there is something stopping me from being completely open with someone, I need to think about what that may be. It might be fear, I am scared of a great deal in this world. It might be knowing the others in their world and wanting to be guarded around outside forces. But it also may simply be that I just don’t want to share something. It may be in the past and no need to be discussed. It may be that I don’t want a particular person to think I was even mentioning them. It may just be me.
There really is no rhyme or reason to me, I am random. I don’t think I am being dishonest when I stay private, I think I am just being me. This blog is helping me not bottle everything up, but this will take quite some time to overcome. Being private doesn’t mean that I care what others think of me, it means I am being me. I am awkward, I am uneasy, I am being the person I have always been.

So as I continue down the road with my friends, I will try to open up more. I will try to share more. I will try to always remain kind when even talking about something negative. I will be Laura Bush.
Author’s Note: Pearl Jam, when it comes to me, never really needs an explanation, but that won’t stop me. I write I Am Mine on many things as a daily reminder that I putting myself first. That everything I am doing, I am doing for me.

No comments:

Post a Comment