Tuesday, August 5, 2014


“Ya callin’ my name, but I gotta make it clear. Can’t say where I’m gonna be in a year,” Sweet Emotion, Aerosmith

The whole idea of feelings is a tricky business. You are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Lately, I have had my feelings hurt and I have decided that maybe expressing how I feel isn’t the best bet for me. Sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve, but those days may be over. It never really gets you anywhere and rarely does it get the outcome you want.
As I have written about before, opening up is not my strong suit. I was trying to change that, but I have decided that I am done trying. Keeping it to myself has worked for me in the past, why change that? “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back” (Prov 29:11).

The thing is, you can’t change how you feel. It isn’t for anyone else to understand, your feelings are yours. Genuine people in your life will understand that. No one is ever going to always agree with you, but they can respect you. Sometimes feelings are irrational, but that is another reason they are tricky. To others they may not make sense, but trust in your feelings. No one is saying you have to be right.
I expressed some feelings earlier this week and it blew up in my face. What was I thinking? I am not that girl. I don’t get down on it or get too upset with people, I just am. This is my burden to bear. I am fully aware that to some people I provide a sort of example. When they get down they can think, well things could be worse. And that’s fine. I don’t feel the same way, but will gladly give them an escape if needed.

I have always been a strong believer in never really saying anything to someone about people who may be their friends. I don’t mean just not talking about them, especially when it’s good news, I mean putting someone in a situation to make them uncomfortable or feel they need to pick a side. I don’t believe in picking a side. I broke that belief this weekend, and I am paying for it dearly. I have upset more people than I ever intended and am kind of on my own for a while. Even after my apology, I know it is time for me to just step back for a while. I took happiness away from someone and it made me appear to be selfish. Much like my dislike for being unkind, I really dislike selfishness.
Now how does pushing it all back down resemble Laura Bush. Well, because keeping things to yourself is sometimes the kindest thing you can do. No one wants someone pointing out something they did that you possibly didn’t agree with, or understand. No one wants to be constantly told they are wrong. And if you are like me, you dislike someone making excuses for being unkind. You will never give me a good enough reason to not be kind.

As much as keeping things in can be bad for you, I have realized, for me, it is what is right for me to do at this moment in my life. No one likes a mess. No one wants a “woe is me” person in their life. It is selfish to put all your problems on someone else. My life is mine, the burden is mine.
Don’t get me wrong, there will still be people I share with. People who always listen, never judge, and most importantly, hear me. That is the thing, taking the time to really understand why someone may feel the way they do. I am fully aware that some of my feelings are crazy, but those I confide in always hear me out. They never take sides, but they make me feel that I am Ok feeling how I do. I am sure they don’t always agree, but I never feel bad for feeling how I do after a marathon phone night or a BFF night. I never feel I have to justify myself, but they also never give me a hard time. They may voice their opinion, but it is never telling me I a wrong.

Going forward I am going to just remain quiet, keep it in, and do what is asked of me. This goes against advice I just received on the phone, but I think it is best. I will keep my feelings mine and take kindness above all. It may not really be what Laura Bush would do, but it is the selfless thing to do. This may not really be the wisest decision, but it is the kindest. Putting others first and being kind, now how is that not Laura Bush?
Author’s Note: Just one of the best songs ever!

No comments:

Post a Comment