Tuesday, September 9, 2014


“I’ve been crushed by tumbling tide. And my soul has been psychedelicized,” Time Has Come Today, The Chamber Brothers

So I came to another realization recently, I no longer seem to have any time. Seriously, every moment of my life now seems to be filled with work, school or training. It’s a good thing I don’t require a whole lot of sleep to function. Well, that is until it catches up with me. Making it worse is the sense I am being pulled in a million different directions by many different people. So, what does it take for me going forward to just say no without the fear of disappointment or retaliation?
I would like to believe 100 percent those that truly support me will understand. That when I just can’t make it somewhere or tackle another project, they will understand. Unfortunately, this is not the case as of late. The times I have said no have upset people. So what would Laura Bush do?

There are some that understand and don’t get mad, but ask if there is anything they can do to help. My best friend is one of those people. When I need to do homework and cancel plans, she never gets mad. Sometimes she is the one that suggests it. But others sure like to throw it back in my face.
For example, the passive aggressive text along the lines of “I know you are just so busy, but can you…” I get these often. Another favorite, “you are just so popular, I need to get on your schedule in advance.” I really wish me being busy was a sign of being so popular as opposed to the truth, being so stressed. Newsflash, you aren’t helping by adding to it by making me feel guilty.

I am partly to blame since most of my life I have been the person that is always there. Always available for every project, every party, every meltdown, every graduation, every wedding, every…you get the point. I am always happy to be that person, but by being that person, I fear I have created a monster. Now the shock of me saying no is making others mad. It is made worse by the fact I don’t feel it necessary to explain myself. And contrary to popular belief, rarely is my reason exciting. Yes, I would much rather go to a movie than write a paper, but this is my life now. That graduate degree isn’t going to earn itself.
The times I do decide to say yes and put a commitment on the backburner since “it isn’t due yet,” something always happens. I don’t blame others when something gets in the way preventing me to finish, it is just my dumb luck sometimes. But it has made me realize I really need to put myself first. Get all my commitments taken care of. Get those papers graded, get those emails answered, get that paper done, then do the things asked of me.

So going forward, how do I stay true to myself while not disappointing others? How would Laura Bush?
I am going to begin by reminding myself why I am doing what I am doing — working two jobs (sometimes three) and going to graduate school. I am doing it for me. This isn’t for anyone else, it is for me.

Next, I am going to politely decline offers. This will be hard for me at first since I will feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t, but I will. It is too late to change this trait about me. But with every decline I give, I will be kind. I will be Laura Bush. I am pretty sure she can’t do everything asked of her.
I will still be to as much as I can, and help with all I can, but will remind myself that I need a break. To remember just how beat I was this past weekend when I was running that I just couldn’t go on. I was walking dead in a sense. I don’t want to be that person, it wasn’t pretty or fun.

Finally, I will remind myself I am happy. Yes, I am crazy busy, tired most days, stressed beyond belief, but still happy as amazing as that is. This is my life, this is how I am living it for a while, and it is Ok with me. Being happy, being me, and working toward a goal, how could that not be Laura Bush?
Author’s Note: On my ride home from work I was thinking of possible lyrics to use with this entry that involved time. There were numerous options that came to mind, but this one was the one I kept coming back to. I have always loved this song. Plus, I love any time an artist creates a new word.

1 comment:

  1. You shouldn't feel guilty - some of these friends are guilty of saying no to you, too. I know I've said this before, but now more than ever, you have to put yourself first. Like you said, that graduate degree isn't going to earn itself. Your true friends will understand.