So I came to another realization recently, I no
longer seem to have any time. Seriously, every moment of my life now seems to
be filled with work, school or training. It’s a good thing I don’t require a
whole lot of sleep to function. Well, that is until it catches up with me. Making
it worse is the sense I am being pulled in a million different directions by
many different people. So, what does it take for me going forward to just say
no without the fear of disappointment or retaliation?
I would like to believe 100 percent those that truly
support me will understand. That when I just can’t make it somewhere or tackle
another project, they will understand. Unfortunately, this is not the case as
of late. The times I have said no have upset people. So what would Laura Bush
do?
There are some that understand and don’t get mad,
but ask if there is anything they can do to help. My best friend is one of
those people. When I need to do homework and cancel plans, she never gets mad.
Sometimes she is the one that suggests it. But others sure like to throw it
back in my face.
For example, the passive aggressive text along the
lines of “I know you are just so busy, but can you…” I get these often. Another
favorite, “you are just so popular, I need to get on your schedule in advance.”
I really wish me being busy was a sign of being so popular as opposed to the
truth, being so stressed. Newsflash, you aren’t helping by adding to it by
making me feel guilty.
I am partly to blame since most of my life I have
been the person that is always there. Always available for every project, every
party, every meltdown, every graduation, every wedding, every…you get the point.
I am always happy to be that person, but by being that person, I fear I have
created a monster. Now the shock of me saying no is making others mad. It is
made worse by the fact I don’t feel it necessary to explain myself. And contrary
to popular belief, rarely is my reason exciting. Yes, I would much rather go to
a movie than write a paper, but this is my life now. That graduate degree isn’t
going to earn itself.
The times I do decide to say yes and put a
commitment on the backburner since “it isn’t due yet,” something always
happens. I don’t blame others when something gets in the way preventing me to
finish, it is just my dumb luck sometimes. But it has made me realize I really
need to put myself first. Get all my commitments taken care of. Get those
papers graded, get those emails answered, get that paper done, then do the
things asked of me.
So going forward, how do I stay true to myself while
not disappointing others? How would Laura Bush?
I am going to begin by reminding myself why I am
doing what I am doing — working two jobs (sometimes three) and going to
graduate school. I am doing it for me. This isn’t for anyone else, it is for
me.
Next, I am going to politely decline offers. This
will be hard for me at first since I will feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t, but
I will. It is too late to change this trait about me. But with every decline I
give, I will be kind. I will be Laura Bush. I am pretty sure she can’t do
everything asked of her.
I will still be to as much as I can, and help with
all I can, but will remind myself that I need a break. To remember just how
beat I was this past weekend when I was running that I just couldn’t go on. I was
walking dead in a sense. I don’t want to be that person, it wasn’t pretty or
fun.
Finally, I will remind myself I am happy. Yes, I am
crazy busy, tired most days, stressed beyond belief, but still happy as amazing
as that is. This is my life, this is how I am living it for a while, and it is
Ok with me. Being happy, being me, and working toward a goal, how could that
not be Laura Bush?
Author’s Note: On my ride home from work I was
thinking of possible lyrics to use with this entry that involved time. There
were numerous options that came to mind, but this one was the one I kept coming
back to. I have always loved this song. Plus, I love any time an artist creates
a new word.
You shouldn't feel guilty - some of these friends are guilty of saying no to you, too. I know I've said this before, but now more than ever, you have to put yourself first. Like you said, that graduate degree isn't going to earn itself. Your true friends will understand.
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