Closure

“Somewhere in this chicken scratch, I scribble and doodle enough rhymes to maybe try to help get some people through tough times,” Rap God, Eminem

I have come to the realization that the whole idea of closure is in fact, bullshit. As much over the past few months I was seeking closure from certain things and people, I now know that it is not possible. I had always believed that closure was essential to move on, but I have discovered it really isn’t. The only closure I need is with myself. The only closure that matters is how I feel about myself.

This weekend I experienced two situations that helped me meet this realization. Out of respect to those involved, details will be very limited. These two may not have treated me with respect, but that is on them. After all this is blog is titled what would Laura Bush do, not what would some disrespectful asshole do.  

Situation No. 1: Beginning early in the year a “friend” just stopped talking to me. No explanation. It was hurtful since I thought we were close, but I dealt with it. That was their decision to act like that. Well I saw them over this weekend. Now I could have acted bitter or jaded, but did I? Nope, I just didn’t mention it. We talked and it was never mentioned what had gone down. Why bring up the past? If they wanted to treat me in such a cruel way, it doesn’t mean I have to do the same. As much as I wanted to bring it up, I took the high road. I took the Laura Bush route. Not speaking up may seem like the coward way out, especially based on past blog entries, but it wasn’t. It showed strength. Intelligent people know when to just move on. I knew I was never going to hear what I wanted, why lose any more sleep overthinking it? It isn’t worth it. I have spent too much time already thinking about it and venting to others. The time to let it go is now.

Situation No. 2: I ran into someone that I have a pretty rough history with. Years of being treated poorly, years of lies, years of bullshit. We walked by each other in a local parking lot and they acted like they didn’t know me. Pretending I was a stranger when I am far from it. Well what did I do you ask? I walked right on by. They didn’t want to acknowledge me, I will do the same. I don’t even chase my liquor, I am not going to chase after anyone. In the past I probably would have made them speak to me, made them be uncomfortable, but not this time. I am better than that, and better than them. That isn’t arrogance — it is fact. If I ever treated anyone the way this person continues to treat me, I would not be able to live with myself. I surely couldn’t look myself in the mirror. There are a million excuses as to why they ignored me, but I am tired of hearing them. I tried, they didn’t, I am done.

In both situations I think I did what Laura Bush would have done and that was think of me first. I have enough going on right now, I don’t need more drama. These two know what they did, they have to live with it. Both I know always knew I would be kind and they could treat me poorly knowing I would never do the same to them. Yes, I will be kind but I will not be stupid. I don’t know what the future holds and if I will ever see them again, but I know I will never get the closure I thought I needed. I will never hear “I am sorry” from either one. I tried more than anyone should have to see the good, to give the benefit of the doubt, but it cost me a lot. It cost me happiness. It wasted my time, time I could have spent on more important people. It wasted two of my closest friends’ time by having to listen to me vent. There were good times, but there were also really low times.

There will be nights I am sure that they both are in my thoughts. Nights where I think I need closure. This is just the nature of the beast. But I know by stopping and asking what would Laura Bush do those nights will be fewer and my happiness will come first.