Understanding people

“So many times it happens too fast, you trade your passion for glory,” Eye of the Tiger, Survivor

I will never understand people. To quote a Seinfeld episode, “they’re the worse.” I just can’t wrap my head around not being there for someone. What is the point?

One of my closest friends right now is going through a very tough time. There have been some health issues and she has to spend tomorrow getting poked and tested to get some answers. There is a chance that it will work out Ok, but there is also a chance that she could receive bad news. It is sad and she is fully aware of what might happen tomorrow. Of course no one wants to think about that, but the fear is out there. She has told her close friends and family. Now you would think everyone would rally around her. Nope. Many of us are there for her and always will be, but that one who is not hurts more than all the support in the world.

Why do people act like this? I understand there may have been a falling out between the two, but when do you let it go? When do you realize that your family needs you and to grow up? When are you there for another no matter the cost? It is tough sometimes to be the bigger person, but people need to remember that there are better people worse off. Someone that has been a huge part of your life is going through a terrible time. I will never understand why someone would make it worse.

Everyone is busy, but turning your back on someone for whatever reason is not right. The way to make a point that you still are mad at someone is not to kick them when they are down. But it is a way to show the world what type of person you truly are. And that type of person is someone I hope to never be. This will get me hurt more times than I would like — sad fact. Hurt or not, I can look myself in the mirror. And while right now I may not be on top of the world, my actions and treatment of people will someday pay me back. It may take a while, but it will happen.

I believe Laura Bush can look herself in the mirror. She doesn’t treat people poorly. She believes in kindness. I don’t know everything about her, but I know enough to know she will always be there for someone. No matter the cost, she will be there. So as angry as I want to get at others, I will let it go. I will stop and ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Welcome!

“Been working so hard, I’m punching my card,” Footloose, Kenny Loggins

Thanks to the amazing support of a very good friend, and her forever belief in me, my blog will now be appearing two places — the original website and a local newspaper’s website. This is scary, but so exciting. It will mean more pressure to deliver blogs that folks want to read, a good problem to have. So with this latest development, today’s blog entry is going to be another introduction of sorts. The new readers that will click on this thanks to the promotion of the Cape Gazette need to know what they are getting themselves into. They need to get up to speed so they can better understand the randomness of me and my blog. To my faithful readers some of this may sound familiar, but who can’t use a refresher? Here are some things to know about this blog moving on.

No. 1: Why Laura Bush? The easy answer is because I love her. Yep, that’s right, I do. This is not about politics (although I am sure that topic will come up), it is about her character and how I try every day to carry myself in the manner that she demonstrates. When life presents me with a situation I stop and ask, what would Laura Bush do? To me she is the true definition of class and grace. I have always believed that there is never a reason to be unkind. Laura Bush has always shown me this same belief. No matter the situation, she is classy, she is kind. This blog will present examples and stories and how I handled it channeling Mrs. Bush. I fail sometimes, but I try.

No. 2: Now that I am reaching a wider audience I will try to break my habit of never proofreading my writing. This will be tough since I never reread anything so bear with me as I work on this. My writing can be chaotic, it is something that makes me me. Don’t worry, you will learn to “get” me.

No. 3: I will start almost every blog with a song lyric. Sometimes the lyric fits that day’s blog, sometimes it is just a song I like or happen to be listening to at the moment I hit publish. Music is my oxygen, it runs through my veins and keeps me going. I believe in music above all. For every situation in my life, there is a song that matches it perfectly. Music will be a major topic running throughout this blog. I love music!

No. 4: This blog started over a month ago as an exercise in finding myself. A lot of life changes happened to me this year and my life is somewhat of a mess at the moment. Writing it down and sharing it with the world is my way of getting through it. If while writing this I can help just one person pick themselves up after being knocked down, then I will have succeed. I have had a very bad run of it as of late, but I hope to show the world that you can always get back up after being knocked down. It will be a struggle, but it will happen.

No. 5: This blog is how I see things. I will never be unkind, but I will be honest. I will not be using it as a way to air any dirty laundry. I will of course have to give details to explain certain topics, but I will only share what is necessary to make my point. People that have hurt me in the past my not have respected me, but I will respect them when writing. No real names will ever be used, but if anyone takes offense to anything written, that is on them. If you wanted me to write warmly about you, then you should have treated me better.

No. 6: I welcome all suggestions! My goal has been to update my blog Monday-Friday at the least. Some weekends I will be quiet, but my main goal is a new entry every weekday. Unfortunately I will not have a set schedule, so the update will not appear at the same time every day. That just means you will have to keep checking back.

Buckle up and enjoy the blog ride you have either already been on or are about to begin. I promise, I will make it fun. After all, isn’t that what Laura Bush would do?

Tomorrow

“Don't stop thinking about tomorrow, don't stop, it’ll soon be here,” Don’t Stop, Fleetwood Mac

Holiday weekends are filled with good times and bad times. As great as it is to see so many people and catch up, it can get daunting. Dealing with people can get to you, boy can it get to you. Having a million things to do, trying to get it all in and not anger anyone is impossible. Running into people you haven’t seen in a while and trying to make conversation is tough. Hearing things about people you don’t care to talk about makes things worse. Sometimes weekends just get you down.

But as I look at my upcoming schedule for this week, I noticed that I have too many people asking something from me and I may not be able to get it all in. I may not be able to be there for everyone. So how do I decide who to be there for? How do I pick? What would Laura Bush do?

Of course I believe that if you make a commitment to someone or something, you must follow through. No matter how my schedule may change, I told people I would be there and I will be there. Emergency aside, I can’t disappoint them. But what about those plans that pop up last minute? How do you decide? Is it a first come first served thing or no? Well I do not know.  

But what I do know is I need to continue to try to put myself first. I struggling with this still, but I am trying. And if someone gets mad at me for not being at everything they ask me to be at, I need to just learn that it’s Ok. If they really care about me, they will understand.

So as I plan for this week ahead and people ask things of me, I am going to ask what Laura Bush would do. Would she sacrifice her own wellbeing to please others? Would she turn her world upside down to make others happy or make herself happy? I believe she would put herself first. She would of course be there for others when she can, but still think about herself. So going forward, I will continue to be what makes me me but also, still keep trying to put myself first. Wish me luck! What would Laura Bush do?

Memorial Day

“The pain of war cannot exceed the woe of aftermath,” Battle of Evermore, Led Zeppelin

Living near a summer tourist destination can be a pain. The influx of traffic, tourists, and cost increase can get a little annoying — excuse me, a lot annoying. But as Monday approaches, I don’t let it get to me. After all this holiday is about our fallen heroes, about the service members that paid the ultimate price for our country. The brave individuals that make it possible for me to have free speech and have this blog.

I thank our Veterans and current military every day, and I truly believe everyone should. But Memorial Day isn’t about those that are still with us, it is about those that died. It is a time to thank our fallen heroes. A day to pay respect. A day to honor. A day to just remember what they have done for us. For all the fun of a holiday weekend and all the barbecues, it should never take away from the somber day Monday is.

Being the daughter of a Vietnam Veteran I know firsthand the cost of war. My dad may have survived Vietnam physically, but it forever changed him. It forever changed our family. My brother is a Marine and so is my sister. My sister returned from Afghanistan a few months ago and while I worry everyday about her, I am thankful she returned. She didn’t return without some scars, but she did return.

But what about all the brave men and women who did not? How does their family handle this holiday? Do they get mad that the world now really doesn’t honor this day for what it truly symbolizes? It has become commercialized and if that stings me to the core, what does it do to them?

I have learned firsthand that these families handle it will class. Being offended aside, they don’t let others take away the day for them, take away their memories. The Gold Star families that I will see Monday at my local Memorial Day service will make me cry but they will also make me proud. Their strength will make me proud. Their courage will make me proud. Their character will make me proud. Their patriotism will make me proud. And being able to be in the same room as them will make me proud.

No one wants war, but sometimes it is the only option. That sucks, but it’s the truth. It is your right to be against war, but you don’t have to be pro-war to be pro-troops. These brave men and women gave you that right, they deserve your respect. No one should ever go through what our Vietnam Vets went through when they returned.

So this holiday weekend when someone annoys you, please just let it go. Please just remember what this holiday is about. And please remember the sacrifices made so you can have off on Monday. After all, Laura Bush will be doing the same thing.

Gym

“Whisper words of wisdom, let it be,” Let It Be, The Beatles

I have discovered that the gym is the place you can see the best and the worst in people. There are people all around bettering their health and their lives. They are striving to be healthy. They are losing weight, they are feeling better in their own skin, and it shows. On the other hand, it is a very arrogant place for many. People proving how much they can lift, flexing more for themselves than anyone else, and just being annoying. It is how I imagine a locker room would be. That’s great they can lift a car, but I don’t have to hear about it. I admire people that completely turn their life over to fitness. They eat the proper foods. Never miss a lift day. But I don’t have to hear about it. It is not me.

Today at the gym I experienced a what would Laura Bush do moment. Due to some rain, I decided to bail on running outside and go to the gym instead. I use the gym as a last resort, and as much as I wanted to just stay in bed, I went. I hop on the treadmill really excited that on the TV was a baseball game. Who knew so early in the morning I would catch a little baseball. So there I am running and watching the game. I decided not to use my headphones, big mistake. Two dudes hop on the treadmills next to me. I barely notice since, well I don’t really pay attention.

Anyway, these guys just start talking about everyone in the gym, I mean everyone. From what they are wearing to what machines they are using. Now I am the gym goer that rarely even matches my clothes. As long as it is the proper attire for what activity I am doing that day, I don’t care how it looks. I really should work on that. I am running just listening to these jerks badmouth everyone. I still don’t understand how what one person is wearing really has to do with your life, but that’s just me. I just ignored it. I get they needed to pass the time while running, but there are plenty of other topics in this world to discuss. I don’t believe in badmouthing anyone, but I kept thinking that maybe if these guys looked like David Beckham and were just pictures of perfection, I could let it slide. Yeah, they didn’t. If they did, this might have gone a lot differently — just saying.

Now to the Laura Bush moment. The guys look over to me and ask me what I think about what a particular gym patron was wearing. What to say, what to say. First thought was a smart ass comment about anyone wearing a wife beater can’t possibly speak about someone else’s attire. But nope, would Laura Bush say that? Instead I just politely said “to each his own” and kept on running. They looked at me confused, perhaps they didn’t understand what that meant. And then they continued to talk to me. About working out and of course, everyone at the gym. I would nod and continue looking at the television. I was trying to be polite.

And then it happened. The more chatty of the two guys asked me why I wasn’t interested in talking to them and more interested in running. And I quote “all girls want to talk to me.” I could not believe those words came out of his mouth. Mind you, I really was the only girl in the gym that was close to their ages, but still, how arrogant. So be Laura Bush or not? What should I say? My response…“Well if so many girls want to chat with you, I feel I would suffer by comparison so it is best I just run.” And off he went. His other friend just laughed and then started talking to me. Seriously? Leave me alone. Before he could go on about whatever he was talking about I looked at him and just said “run along.” He didn’t speak again.

So today’s blog isn’t about being hit on, it is about showing that even I fail at being Laura Bush. It is going to happen. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Lightning Bolt

“The crashing stormy waves erode her shoreline every day until the castle of her ways turns to sand,” Lightning Bolt, Pearl Jam

Months ago when talking to a friend of mine about the new Pearl Jam album (oh yes, we went total super fans), he said something to me regarding a certain song on the album. “I don’t know when you crossed paths with Eddie Vedder, but Lightning Bolt is so about you.” I listened to the lyrics, and nope didn’t get it. I still have no idea why he said this particular song could be about me. I went along with him since he knows pretty much everything about me — everything. Another friend agreed after I told her, but I still don’t see it. He mentioned it again the other day so it got me thinking, why is it that people see you differently than you see yourself. Why is it that some people viewed as great you view as a jerk, and vice versa. When do you start to see yourself the way others do? Good or bad.

I am a firm believer that the only opinion that matters is how you feel about yourself. But what if you don’t view yourself in a good light and others do? What about when others view you negatively? As much as you shouldn’t listen to others, you always will. Yeah you can brush it off but you still eventually will think about it.

Today I was having a very low day, just not in the best place. Immediately a best friend picked up on this and called for a phone date. This girl knows me better than I know myself sometimes. She knows what to say. She picked me up. She helped me feel better. It wasn’t just a call to feed my ego, it was a call to help me. She is always honest with me. Never hurtful, just honest. What she says I know is true, I know is right. I struggle with viewing myself the way she does, she knows this, but even knowing that she makes me feel better.

So how does one begin to see themselves the way others do? When should they? There will always be those examples of people you know that everyone else just loves and you are like “Eh, they really suck.” That is just the way of the world. Those people don’t matter. Even if they view you poorly, it doesn’t mean it is true. Those that truly see the good in you matter. As much as I try to see the good in everyone, sometimes there just isn’t any to see. But I know there is good in me. How do I start to see it? How do I start to believe it? People can tell me this until they are blue in the face, but I need to believe it. 

A recent run of bad luck and disappoint isn’t helping. Those closest to me that send me daily text messages help, but it still comes down to me. It is still me that in the end has to be strong, has to keep getting up. I have people in my corner cheering for me and against me. Those that want to see me fail. Those that want me hurt. But I know the ones cheering for me will far outweigh anyone against me. It is when you are your lowest that you realize who truly does care about you. You may be surprised to learn that some that claim they do really don’t. Their actions prove it. And you know what? Who cares about those people? I don’t have to really be a part of their life any more. Actions speak louder than words.

So in this rambling of a blog post I must ask, what would Laura Bush do? How would she start to see herself the way others do, others like me? I don’t even know if she ever has doubts. Does she see herself as I do? Does she ever worry about not being good? Well if she does, she never shows it. She never waivers in her strength and class. She always smiles.

So as I struggle I will try to live up to her example. I will try to show the world that I am good. That I am enough. It will be a daily struggle and I will fail. But when I do fail, I will dust myself off, look in the mirror and ask — What would Laura Bush do?

Hear “Lightning Bolt” here.

Thank You!

“Happiness, no more be sad, happiness...I’m glad,” Thank You, Led Zeppelin

All morning I have been trying to think of what to write. Even on my morning run I was trying to think what today’s topic could possibly be. I was coming up with nothing. I tried a few topics, but I just was not feeling them. I got a few suggestions, but not feeling those either. What to do, what to do? Well you know what I decided to do? I decided to not make today’s blog about me, but about you. I decided to just say thank you.

Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for leaving comments. Thank you for following me. Thank you for being you. Thank you to those people that read everything I write. Thank you to those that ask me about it. Thank you to those that worry about me after a particular entry. Thank you to those who support me. And thank you to the strangers reading this blog. I may never meet you but you mean the world to me.

I will continue to try to post something almost every day. When I can’t come up with a topic, I will remember that people are reading this and strive for something. Writer’s block is real, but with your support, I will try to work past it. Thank you again and have a great day.

Closure

“Somewhere in this chicken scratch, I scribble and doodle enough rhymes to maybe try to help get some people through tough times,” Rap God, Eminem

I have come to the realization that the whole idea of closure is in fact, bullshit. As much over the past few months I was seeking closure from certain things and people, I now know that it is not possible. I had always believed that closure was essential to move on, but I have discovered it really isn’t. The only closure I need is with myself. The only closure that matters is how I feel about myself.

This weekend I experienced two situations that helped me meet this realization. Out of respect to those involved, details will be very limited. These two may not have treated me with respect, but that is on them. After all this is blog is titled what would Laura Bush do, not what would some disrespectful asshole do.  

Situation No. 1: Beginning early in the year a “friend” just stopped talking to me. No explanation. It was hurtful since I thought we were close, but I dealt with it. That was their decision to act like that. Well I saw them over this weekend. Now I could have acted bitter or jaded, but did I? Nope, I just didn’t mention it. We talked and it was never mentioned what had gone down. Why bring up the past? If they wanted to treat me in such a cruel way, it doesn’t mean I have to do the same. As much as I wanted to bring it up, I took the high road. I took the Laura Bush route. Not speaking up may seem like the coward way out, especially based on past blog entries, but it wasn’t. It showed strength. Intelligent people know when to just move on. I knew I was never going to hear what I wanted, why lose any more sleep overthinking it? It isn’t worth it. I have spent too much time already thinking about it and venting to others. The time to let it go is now.

Situation No. 2: I ran into someone that I have a pretty rough history with. Years of being treated poorly, years of lies, years of bullshit. We walked by each other in a local parking lot and they acted like they didn’t know me. Pretending I was a stranger when I am far from it. Well what did I do you ask? I walked right on by. They didn’t want to acknowledge me, I will do the same. I don’t even chase my liquor, I am not going to chase after anyone. In the past I probably would have made them speak to me, made them be uncomfortable, but not this time. I am better than that, and better than them. That isn’t arrogance — it is fact. If I ever treated anyone the way this person continues to treat me, I would not be able to live with myself. I surely couldn’t look myself in the mirror. There are a million excuses as to why they ignored me, but I am tired of hearing them. I tried, they didn’t, I am done.

In both situations I think I did what Laura Bush would have done and that was think of me first. I have enough going on right now, I don’t need more drama. These two know what they did, they have to live with it. Both I know always knew I would be kind and they could treat me poorly knowing I would never do the same to them. Yes, I will be kind but I will not be stupid. I don’t know what the future holds and if I will ever see them again, but I know I will never get the closure I thought I needed. I will never hear “I am sorry” from either one. I tried more than anyone should have to see the good, to give the benefit of the doubt, but it cost me a lot. It cost me happiness. It wasted my time, time I could have spent on more important people. It wasted two of my closest friends’ time by having to listen to me vent. There were good times, but there were also really low times.

There will be nights I am sure that they both are in my thoughts. Nights where I think I need closure. This is just the nature of the beast. But I know by stopping and asking what would Laura Bush do those nights will be fewer and my happiness will come first.

Speaking up

“I don’t know but I been told, the world outside is oh so cold,” Don’t Gotta Work It Out, Fitz and the Tantrums

Today is one of those days where the weather is unbelievably crappy and it just makes you want to stay in bed and be lost in your own thoughts. That was me this morning, but I forced myself to get up and go to Yoga class. So instead of being lost in my own thoughts in bed, I was lost in my own thoughts in Yoga.

The thought and/or question I kept thinking about was when do you speak up and when do you walk away? When do you throw caution to the wind and just say everything you want to someone. When do you just finally lay it all out there and for lack of a better phrase, go off. I am the type of person that usually just either walks away or stays quiet to avoid conformation. My fear of rejection is crippling so that is reason No. 1 that I don’t speak up.

Oh I speak my mind when it comes to things like music, movies, politics, current events, but when it comes to myself — nope, never. Thanks to some wise guidance from afar (and by afar, I mean Pennsylvania), I have gotten better at this, but I still have a long way to go. Why is it that when someone wants to make things real, put it all out there, fear stops it? Rejection sucks, but you can get over it. It may take a while, but you can. So why does this stop me in my tracks? I can’t speak for why others don’t speak up, but I can notice it in myself.

Is knowing something isn’t going to go the way you want a reason to not try? To not be honest? Well is it? If you know this, should you walk away and just deal with the disappointment or just go for it? My track record with taking risks is not good, so should I stop? Or knowing that it can’t get any worse be reason to just say “fuck it” and go for it?

Or do I just run? Run away from confrontation, away from feelings, and away from life? Apparently according to others I am a runner literally and figuratively. Should I just stick to that even though thus far the results aren’t stellar?  

So what would Laura Bush do? Would she go for it or walk away? I don’t expect to have those answers today, but I do expect this blog to help me find them. This issue will probably be an underlining theme to many blog posts, and that’s Ok. I will never have all the answers, but I can get some by simply asking, what would Laura Bush do?

Editor’s Note: Music is important to me. It might be most important. I will start almost all my blogs with a lyric, but that doesn’t mean that particular lyric goes with the day’s post or my mood. It might just be the song I am currently listening to and nothing more. Some will fit perfectly with my entry, but if it doesn’t, if it can introduce a certain song, artist or band to a reader that’s even better!

Random

“I’m alright, nobody worry ‘bout me,” I’m Alright, Kenny Loggins

One word that has been used to describe me many times is random. Of all the things I have been called in my life, this one I actually agree with. I am so very random in my likes, dislikes, personality, in everything! And today’s blog will be no different. It will be all over the place.

One thing I really love in this world is sending cards, especially out of the blue. I love sending cards for pretty much any holiday or event, but I really love when I receive one. Yesterday in my mail was just such a card. It isn’t my birthday, no holiday this week, but it was a card that had perfect timing. Not being Hallmark aside, it was perfect. The actual card was perfect but what was even better was what was written in the inside by the sender — I believe in you. Those four words were just what I needed to read yesterday. Plus, I have always thought that this particular friend has the most beautiful handwriting. My penmanship on the other hand, well…  

I have had two people in 24 hours ask me if I was Ok based on previous blog posts. For the record, yes, yes I am. My apologies for any worry I caused. Of course I may not be all sunshine and lollipops, but that doesn’t mean I am not Ok. Some blogs will have a down on me tone, bad days happen, but not all will. I do however appreciate the concern and knowing people are reading my blog. Thanks!  

Last night I presented a question to a great friend that stumped us both. The question was — When was the last time I did something for myself? The last time something I did wasn’t tied to another person. Neither one of us could come up with an answer. That doesn’t mean for a second that I regret anything I have done. Every party, every wedding, every race, every present, every card, whatever, I want to do it. Doing these things does make me happy, but they aren’t for me. In the end, it is for someone else. I like being the person that does things for others and is always there, but it is also time for me to do something just for me. It is now my time.

The last week I have been working on something just for me (a post for a later time) and it feels good. I still have down on me moments, but they will pass. I am finally thinking about me. Doing this feels good. No wonder so many people think of themselves first. Of course it will be hard for me not to put others first, but at least I am trying, right?

So as I start to put some organization and plan in to fixing my life, I will keep thinking about Laura Bush. I will use her as my example of how to live my life and most importantly, how I treat people. I will fail sometimes, but I will just pick myself up and ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Survivor

“Upside, inside out she’s livin la vida loca,” Livin La Vida Loca, Ricky Martin

Today marks five years in remission for my best friend Dominique! Dom went from being a fighter to a survivor and this is awesome news. It is also great news for others out there fighting blood cancers, it is a sign that survivorship is possible. It is also a sign that no matter what life throws you, you can tackle it. Cancer sucks, but you don’t have to let it change you or the person you are. My best friend is proof of that. Don’t believe me, well then watch this.

I remember clearly where I was when I first got the news that she was diagnosed with Chronic Myleogenous Leukemia in 2005. I was sitting on the back steps at my parents’ house. The news was devastating. I was really numb for a while after it. But this wasn’t about me, it was about her. After the initial shock of it all, it was support time. I did what I could to help in her fight, but I couldn’t fight her cancer. That battle was all on her, and she prevailed.

Fast forward to five years ago when she called to tell me she was in remission. This was a completely different feeling. This was a celebration. This was proof of her strength. It was proof of what one person can do. Medications, doctors, appointments aside — this was her battle. She won. She may never be “cured” but she can be in remission and help others out there fighting. She is my forever inspiration.

So while my life may not be a shining example of anything special, I know I am surrounded by fighters. I am surrounded by good news. So when I start to get down on myself, I can remember all the celebrations I have been a part of. I may not have good news for myself, but it is Ok knowing I am someone who others want to celebrate their successes with. How great is that?

And I know for every person that wants Laura Bush as part of their good news, she is honored to be. She is class and grace. She knows the benefits of being there for someone, through good and bad. I will remind myself to continue to be that person there for others. So what if nothing goes in my favor. I have amazing people in my life restoring my belief that good does happen. It may not happen to me, but it does happen. What would Laura Bush do?

Top Gun Day!

“You’ll never know what you can do, until you get it up as high as you can go,” Danger Zone, Kenny Loggins

Happy Top Gun Day! Nope, this is not something I made up. Oh it may be made up, but it wasn’t by me and I will definitely celebrate it. I absolutely love the film Top Gun. It isn’t some cinema masterpiece, but it’s a good time. It has cheesy parts, the volleyball scene is totally homoerotic (and HOT), and easily lends itself to be ridiculed. But who cares? The soundtrack is one of the best, the patriotism, the love story, the tears — it has it all.

I have no idea whether or not Laura Bush likes this film, she should, but I am sure she can appreciate someone’s love of it. I don’t always get that appreciation. I set myself up to be teased about it since I don’t hide the fact that I love this movie, but screw those people. I am not going to change my mind no matter how much sarcasm, teasing and judgment you send my way. Top Gun is just one of the examples in my life that demonstrates that when I love something, I really love it!

Next time I have to deal with a comment about my love of this film, I will just ask what would Laura Bush do and be the bigger the person. After all, that is what Maverick would want me to do. So put on the aviators and enjoy the day.

For more on Top Gun Day, click here.

Enough

“I sure don’t mind a change, but I fell on black days. How would I know that this could be my fate,” Fell on Black Days, Soundgarden

I am starting to feel like that old joke with the punchline “not so fast Billy Ray.” Just when I start to see light at the end of the tunnel and a small glimmer of hope, bam! the wind gets knocked out of me again. As much as I say on this blog that I don’t want to give up and I always see the positive, I am not sure how much longer I can do that. Honestly, it is a struggle now. How much do I have to endure before I just give up? Seriously, I am asking. There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough. Not sure which I am right now.

I don’t mean to sound whiny, but damn if I don’t. I don’t want to be that person, but I think I have been worn down enough that I am. I despise that type of person but now I am and I despise me. It amazes me that by taking one risk, my whole life gets screwed. I took a chance and it didn’t work out and now I am fucked. Yep, that is the only word that describes my situation, deal with it. I have always been told I need to take more risks and when I finally do everything falls apart. How could I be so foolish to think something would actually go in my favor?

It is the little things I have noticed in me that show I am giving up. For example, blowing off a run this morning. I never blow off runs but I just did not feel well nor had any desire to go. I feel bad to my fellow runner but not about not running. Missing a run I fear signifies the start of something much worse, complete apathy for anything. Yes of course me missing one run isn’t going to change anything fitness wise, but it signifies emotional change. And that scares me. What will I lose interest in next? I already have no appetite, will I next just stop eating? Will I give up on friends? It is a slippery slope. And what terrifies me the most is that no one else sees it. Well, one person does and our phone dates are keeping me going. But largely people in my life I am close enough to confide in are just saying I am being a baby, to get over it. But do you ever really get over always losing?

Some of it is my fault since I bottle up everything and don’t show the world my struggle, but people who claim to be close to me should still recognize this. I may be smiling on the outside, but you need to look closer, look in my eyes. Listen to my voice. Make it about me, not you. I agree it is selfish to ask that of someone, but everyone needs to be selfish sometimes. Don’t make it about you or change the conversation to you, make it 100 percent about another person. You will be amazed how being selfless can make both you and others feel.

I do have things in my life I am thankful for and great experiences, but they are few and far between. To others it may not seem this way, but this isn’t their blog. This blog is how I see things, how I feel. And don’t just tell me it will get better and to be positive. Positive has gotten me nowhere thus far and how do you know it will get better? Give me proof or shut the hell up.

Now the beginning of this blog is nothing like Laura Bush, nothing. But the more I write, it somewhat is. Not my negativity but because the strongest people are fighting battles you know nothing about and always smile. That isn’t me right now, but that will be my goal. I do always smile in the outside world, but maybe I need to do more. I need to look to Laura Bush for guidance. When I write a negative blog, I need to stop and ask myself if this is what she would do. No it isn’t. Her life can’t be perfect but to the outside world it is and she is always happy.

As time passes there will be days that this blog isn’t especially positive, and that is Ok. We can’t always be that way. We all have bad days. But we can notice this and work at stopping it. It won’t happen overnight, but if you try you will get there. You will be Ok. I can’t guarantee the rest of my day will be super amazing or anything, but I will try to just forget it for a while. Get lost in the music when I need to. Get lost in friends. Get lost in a great book. Get lost in thinking, what would Laura Bush do?

Johnny Cleveland

Last night was the NFL draft. Honestly, this usually doesn’t interest me. Of course I want to know who my team drafts, but I don’t need to watch it live. Warning: this entry is very football-centric so no hard feelings if you stop reading. You shouldn’t, but you can.

Anyway, Cleveland for its second pick took Johnny Manziel and damn if my phone hasn’t stopped since. Texts, calls, comments, etc., everyone has an opinion. While I can’t speak for everyone’s comments on this matter, I can speak to the ones directed toward me. In less than 24 hours since the announcement I have realized three things about people.

No. 1 — People are assholes. Ok, in all fairness I already knew this, but bears repeating.

No. 2 — Everyone hates a winner. College football is different than NFL but that doesn’t change the fact that Manziel is a winner. You don’t win the Heisman trophy as a freshman if you aren’t. Yes, he is a head case if stories on him are true, but he still plays damn good college ball. Critics already want him to fail. Why? How does him failing really affect anything in your life? Ok, you want to support a winning team but don’t wish harm to another team before someone even sets foot on the field. It’s childish. There are plenty of sad stories in the world, stop counting on one that hasn’t happened yet. Lots of great football to be played.   

No. 3 — No matter the outcome, success story or draft fail, it gives fans hope. The draft isn’t over yet, but no matter who Cleveland drafts, we have hope. Us diehard, loyal fans have hope. We have something to look forward to. Us fans that year after year support our team. That never jump on bandwagons. Never turn our backs no matter how poorly the season is looking. The true fans that bleed orange and brown. We are there no matter what. We have had our share of upsets but damn if we don’t wear our colors proudly. We are the Dawg Pound! And if Johnny Football is as egotistical as stories claim, how great would it be for that ego of his to come to Cleveland and be the hero? He comes in and changes the dynamic. He turns it around and proves all the critics wrong. Many people hate winners, but I love underdogs. Come on Johnny, show the world what you can do. This is your time. I can’t wait to see what happens!

Come draft day, everyone is a sports analyst and critic. They think they know better and can predict the future, all sports fans are guilty of this at one time or another. And since I don’t believe Facebook is the outlet for venting, I write this blog. So while this doesn’t really have a direct relationship with Laura Bush, it does involve hope. Laura knows what it means to give someone hope. So thank you Laura and Cleveland for giving me hope. What would Laura Bush do?

Movie Fun

Today I have writer’s block and it is severe! When I try to think of something to blog about, the only thing I can come up with is an image of tumbleweeds in my brain. I am still going to give my loyal readers something to read though, a list of sorts. Below is a list of movies that I will most likely reference at one point or another on this blog. Not all are my favorites or classic cinema, but all I quote or reference often. The list is not complete since I am a film nerd, but these are just some to get you started. So grab that popcorn and give these films a viewing.

Top Gun

Uncle Buck

Steel Magnolias

Girls Just Want to Have Fun

The Breakfast Club

Centerstage

Weird Science

Let It Ride

Conan

Commando

Blazing Saddles

History of the World Part I

Gladiator

The Princess Bride

Monster Squad

And pretty much anything Kiefer is in. Happy Viewing!

The wrong text

“Everything has chains ... absolutely nothing’s changed,” Corduroy, Pearl Jam

I am in the process of another moment in my life that I have to decide how to act like Laura Bush. How to handle a situation as best I can while using her as inspiration. Not sure how it is going, but I am trying.

I few nights ago I made a mistake. A terrible mistake. I texted the wrong person! An all too common mistake nowadays. It is totally my fault since I have a problem not saving contacts and then by using the history my phone keeps stored, hitting the wrong number thinking it is the intended recipient. Thankfully it wasn’t a text that was incredibly deep or anything, but it was still contact. Once I realized my dumb mistake after a few texts, I quickly wrapped up the conversation.

This may not sound too bad, but it was what happened to me after that is the issue. It brought back all the negativity associated with this person. All the bad feelings they caused, all the doubt in myself, all the bullshit was back. Thankfully there has been no contact since, but now I need to deal with the aftermath. I won’t contact them, but that doesn’t matter. The hurt came back.

Now how would Laura handle this? Well I do not know. I think she would be like me and ignore it, or try. But sometimes you can’t. The sick feeling of me making contact and that it appears that I care is what bothers me. Of course I don’t wish harm on anyone, but I also don’t want to know. I want to be forgotten.

So I am just going to go back to pushing all the negativity down, forgetting and moving on. It may not be the correct choice, but it is the right one for me. I will remain classy like her, but I will also pay better attention when I text. What would Laura Bush do?

Being brave

“With what you want to say, and let the words fall out. Honestly I wanna see you be brave,” Brave, Sara Bareilles

Yesterday I had two people call me brave. It was unexpected and got me thinking about what does being brave exactly mean. Why was this particular word used to describe me twice in one day? I didn’t understand how I was brave.

Sometimes bravery is easy to spot. The military, clearly made up of brave individuals. Our firemen and police force, brave indeed. But I am none of those things. I am pretty much scared of everything. So how am I brave?

As I was lying in bed trying to figure this out, I got thinking about those people in my life who I consider brave. There are so many of them. Single moms are brave. Fighting illness is brave. Going through a divorce is brave. Starting a new relationship is brave. Taking a final is brave. And these are just examples of people I know. This doesn’t even scratch the surface of all the brave people out there in this world.

But I am neither of these examples I mentioned. But what I think I share with these courageous people is strength. Yes, strength can lead to bravery. Not just physical strength, but any kind of strength. I am not especially strong in the “gym” sense, but my life has taught me inner strength. I haven’t had the best go of it in my life. I could easily use that as an excuse to just throw in the towel, but how is that brave? I already bottle up so much, how would giving up help? It wouldn’t. While I can’t seem to catch a break sometimes and think “something has got to give,” I don’t let it destroy me. This struggle is real and sometimes wins. But then I just have to get myself back up and try again. That might be the marathoner in me or craziness, thin line sometimes.

I am not saying that I never have those defeated days, I am saying that I strive to get out of those moments. And how do I do that? It is simple, I smile. I smile through the pain. I smile at the world. That’s fine life, keep fucking me, but you won’t break this smile. Lord knows I paid enough for it. Behind closed doors I may be sad, but when I walk out in the world, you won’t know. I smile. I celebrate your success. I celebrate the day. I celebrate just waking up that morning. There are better people worse off, who am I to take anything away from those people? I am a nobody. I struggle but I smile. Simple and dumb maybe, but it is me. There is no excuse in this world to be unkind.

Oh people will push you and belittle you, but let them be miserable, you be kind. Clearly Laura Bush is kind. Be honest, but be kind. You will be amazed at how it makes you feel. And damn it, smile!

No one demonstrates how a smile can work more than Laura Bush. No one is perfect, but when you see her you would never know if she wasn’t happy. Her husband’s presidency was tumultuous, especially at the end, but she was always smiling, always kind. If she can do it when her husband is getting it worse than I could ever imagine, then damn right I can smile through the pain. Even after George W. left office, he was still the scapegoat and completely destroyed in the media, but the Bush family still smiled. They didn’t lower themselves to act and treat others how they were being treated, they smiled and showed the world they were Ok.

So as I go out in the world today, I will smile. I will remember that a smile can do wonders. And I will ask, what would Laura Bush do?

He’s back

There are just some times in my life that I can no longer act like Laura Bush. Times when drastic measures are called for. And when these times present themselves, the question becomes — What Would Kiefer do? That’s right, when I have either been pushed to my niceness limit, or just need to let go, I look to Kiefer. That dude knows how to party!

And what just so happens tonight? That’s right, 24 is back! Kiefer steps back into the role and kicks ass. London gets Jacked! I am crazy obsessed with this show and its star. I really don’t hide that fact. Many people in my life, they just don’t understand how a television show can mean so much to me, but oh well. This show is thrill ride and for an hour out of my week, I just have to think about what is happening in Jack Bauer’s world. No matter what is going on, I know that I have this to look forward to.

Of course for the past four years I had to find a replacement after 24 ended, Justified was excellent at this, but knowing tonight it is back on television makes me incredibly happy. Also, all the texts, Facebook posts, and tweets to me about the show make me smile. Told you my obsession is well known.

I have no idea if Laura Bush enjoys this show, or has ever seen an episode, but I am sure there is something out there she loves just as much. It is great to have something, no matter how small, to love and excite you. What would Laura Bush do?

Perfect Timing

“I don’t need to fight to prove I’m right,” Baba O’Riley, The Who

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, today I will tell you about an example of how I was faced with a what would Laura Bush do scenario.

I was out and about running errands and ran in to someone I did not want to see. I mean someone that just the idea of seeing makes me roll my eyes. I was in the lotion aisle of the local drug store and I happen to look up and see this person. Now my gut was telling me to just duck down and hide, a move I have been known to do in just this situation. I was in sweats and not really in the mood to see anyone I know, let alone this person. I stood there motionless trying to figure out what to do, our eyes meet. Damn, I have been spotted. What would Laura Bush do was running through my head. Well she wouldn’t be rude that I am sure of. I have been spotted, nowhere to hide now. This person walks toward me. Great, here we go.

I took a deep breath and headed toward them. I am pretty sure the awkwardness was felt even by strangers. We exchanged pleasantries even though I am pretty certain we neither one cared. But how long can this last? How long do I have to talk? I suck at lying; damn I need an excuse to leave. The conversation continues. Oh my goodness, this won’t end! On and on we go, seriously say goodbye.

Just then like a sign from above, my phone rings. I don’t care who this is, I am taking this call. A smart ass comment is made about my ringtone, hence the music quote today, as I search for my phone (yep, talking to you was a mistake). I quickly say, “Nice seeing you, but I must take this call” and am gone.

Now I don’t recognize the number, not unusual as I lost a lot of contacts not too long ago, but I pick up and say “hello.” What I hear next was awesome, “hey, that conversation looked awkward, figured you could use an escape.” Shocked, I turn around and there standing is a good friend of mine smiling. I just laughed. Wow, some people really are at the right place at the right time.

Now I could have easily just run away from this person, but no, Laura Bush would be classy. She would speak. As much as it pained me to be polite to this person, I feel like Laura would be proud of me. I was the bigger person. Taking a phone call during a conversation may not have been polite, but I think even Laura Bush has her limits and welcomes an escape sometimes. Especially a well-timed, perfect escape. What would Laura Bush do?

The B Trifecta

“Got a beat-up glove, a homemade bat, and brand-new pair of shoes; You know I think it’s time to give this game a ride,” Centerfield, John Fogerty.

I am a private person, but when I love something, you will know about it. I pick and choose what information I share about myself, but anyone who knows me knows there are three Bs that I love — Baseball, Beards and Barbie! Or as my great friend called it, the B Trifecta! And here is why…

Baseball: First, what’s not to love about baseball? Baseball pants alone make watching a game worthwhile. Yes ladies, take a moment and think about baseball pants. Ok, feel better? Baseball is a sport that gives me hope. No matter what is happening in the world, baseball brings hope. It can unite a group, even a country, like most sports can’t. Cheering on your team on any level is an escape. If something happens to your team, you feel it is happening to you. You discuss baseball as if you are a member of the team. I am so guilty of this and I suck at baseball. Rivalries are strong and historic. There is a beauty in watching teams dislike each other for no other reason than that is how it has always been. And damn if baseball isn’t romantic. Getting lost in the innings, in the pitches, in the plays — so romantic. Unlike football, there is no running the clock down, it is just a team out there trying for three outs whatever way they can get them. No running clock, you must throw that ball across the plate. Baseball might be boring to some, but that is OK. Plenty of things I find boring that the world loves. It happens.

Beards: I find beards incredibly hot, that is all there is to it. Of course beards can get out of hand, but beards show commitment to me. If a dude can power through the beginning of a beard and the itching, then he can power through a lot of things life throws at him. That may sound dumb, but think about it. Itching can drive the strongest person crazy. Am I right ladies? It also always amazes me how a beard can change someone’s look completely that when they shave it the attraction just goes away. Sad sometimes. Proceed with caution though, beards are not for everyone.

Barbie: Oh my goodness, I LOVE her. Since I was a young girl I have loved her. I collect Barbies and don’t care at all about what people say. My Barbie Christmas tree is amazing. Barbie teaches girls to dream and be what they want to be. Yes she is pretty, but that is only one thing about her, not the only thing. She shows little girls that they can be whatever they want to be. She was created to do just that and she continues to do that for me. She catches a lot of shit, but it is just a toy. Who cares if she couldn’t actually exist in real life, a lot of toys can’t and no one shames them. Again, I love her!

Now as I was writing this I was wondering what in the world does this have to do with Laura Bush. Well the more I thought about it, I realized it was quite easy. The Bush Family loves baseball, they have always been clear about that. They see the romance in it that I see. Laura is from Texas, pretty sure she is Ok with beards. She may not love them as much as I do, but I think she appreciates them. Maybe W should grow one? Hmmm. And as for Barbie, Laura makes me believe like Barbie does. I don’t know Laura, but I look to her for inspiration. I think about how she tries to handle herself in situations and I strive to do the same. I love her. What would Laura Bush do?

Thursday nights

I love Thursday nights. Thursday nights for the past couple of years are Best Friends Night. Everyone in both my life and my best friend’s life know that Thursday nights we are together. Her kids even know that I am coming over and having pizza and tell anyone who will listen. Seriously, their teachers know what happens on Thursday.  Life sometimes throws curveballs that mean no Thursday night date, but even then, I love Thursdays.

How our Thursday nights started is pretty simple, football. The NFL network is not offered as part of my cable service (ugh), and I need to watch football. Now while my Browns rarely ever have a night game, I still need football. My BFF suggested coming over and watching with her husband — and so it began. After the football season was over, we still stuck with our Thursday nights. And then I discovered Project Runway.

I had never watched the show before and somehow stumbled on a re-airing of one season’s premiere, and I was hooked! I texted my BFF about my television show discovery and not only did she watch it, but it was on Thursday nights. It was perfect! We have been Project Runway obsessed ever since. It is to the point that when the designer I loved won the season, we cheered like we actually knew him. We also cheer when the people we don’t care for are eliminated like this has any effect on our life whatsoever. It is an escape.

At this point in my life, I would be lost without my best friend. I would be lost without the daily texts. I would be lost without her support. I would be lost without her kindness. I would be lost without her family. I would be lost without her friendship. She makes me want to see myself the way she sees me, and her kids see me. No matter how bad it gets for me, I know she will never let me drown. Her husband is very aware of the fact that when he married her, he got me as well. He lets us be best friends.

I am honored to have two best friends, three including my sister, but only one lives near me. Our friendship still confuses others since in high school we were nothing alike. We hung in different circles and she is younger than me. Outside of National Honor Society, we were not a part of the same clubs or classes. She was way smarter than me. Funny how people still compare you to who you were in high school. The joys of small towns.

Anyway, we became friends in college, later roommates, and we are still together. Some people you just click with, and she was mine. In college we were totally different, but it worked. As much as I disliked her forcing me to watch hours and hours of Buffy, I endured since it made her happy. Plus, she was forced to listen to the music I like that she may have thought sucked. She was wise enough to not tell me such — told you she was smart.

After school we took completely different paths. She married the love of her life and now has great children. Well we all know from this blog experiment that was not me. And you know what? It didn’t change anything. Of course she has other responsibilities and isn’t always available, but she never makes me feel like that. She knows when I need her and she is there, usually with sweet tarts. Never has being a wife and mother been an excuse for us to grow apart. In fact, she gets angry for me when others use that as an excuse to me. Our lives are so different but we have Thursday nights. Every week we both have something to look forward to. During those hard weeks, we can just count down the days until Thursdays.

Laura Bush seems to still have the same group of friends she had when she was younger. She has gained new ones, but those first friends are still in her life. I look to Laura Bush when it comes to my “core” friends. I hope they are always there. Her husband became President of the United States and she still maintained her friendships. They may have not seen each other as much as they liked, but the friendship was still there, still strong. What would Laura Bush do?