Fool

“I’ll ride the wave where it takes me. I’ll hold the pain. Release me,” Release, Pearl Jam

After a very long hiatus, it is time for this blog to return. It is not because of the demand for it. It is not because I am bored. It is not because it will lead to anything. It is not because of one particular person. It is because in my life there has never been more of a time to be Laura Bush. The need for her inspiration, her class, her outlook, herself, is what I need to be reminded of going forward.

First, my apologies to my readers for stepping away from this blog with no explanation. I could easily make up an excuse about having two jobs and being a grad student, but that is simply an excuse. While there were other reasons I decided to take a break, the real one was inspiration. For a time I stopped striving to always ask What Would Laura Bush Do? I continued to live my life by her example, but I wasn’t expressing the need for it to the world. That has changed. It is time to bring class back to all those that read this blog and are in my life.

Recently I was put in a situation that ended up making me a fool. It was a humiliation that backfired hard. It was something that I knew was going to end this way, but I held on to hope that maybe for once I was wrong. Maybe for once, I would win. I didn’t, so here I am. I find myself back at my keyboard. I find myself back to where I feel the safest. I find myself a writer again.

More details of everything that went down will continue in future blog entries (I promise!), but today I write about what Laura Bush would do when made a fool. Who is at fault when this happens? Is it the person that put you in the situation, or is it you for allowing it to ever happen? Is the blame equal? One person turned out to not be kind, but you chose to allow it.

I am a guarded person. Try as I may, I have walls. I always see the good in people, but not in myself. I am always waiting for the other shoe to fall. But with that said, I took a chance against all my hesitation. It wasn’t the right thing. I should have remained myself and just walked away earlier than now.

So because I put myself into a situation that already frightened me, is this my fault? Is this deserved? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I can still be Laura Bush. I can still walk away with class. I will not engage. I will not sink to another’s level. I will not be unkind. While someone may not have been kind to me, there is no reason for me to follow their example.

Some may stop and say that I need to stand up for myself and let my voice be heard. But silence speaks louder than any words ever could. You have made your decision, I am making mine.

So as I go forward beginning to bring this blog back to life, I will remain classy. I will remain kind. I will remain Laura Bush. I will be Ok. Life will go on. The sun will rise. And I will ask what would Laura Bush do?

Thank you to all my readers that return. Your belief will get this blog back and running.

Author's Note: The song lyric of each blog is an important part of me and this blog. The lyrics don’t necessarily go with that day’s blog entry, but sometimes they do. When thinking about what song to use for the return of the blog, Pearl Jam just kept coming back to me. Not because there is any relation to Laura Bush whatsoever, but because I find my strength in the band’s music like I do in Laura. I am releasing myself to go back into the blog world. I am scared and afraid, but I am ready.

We all judge

“But I keep cruising. Can’t stop, won’t stop grooving,” Shake It Off, Taylor Swift

Everyone is judgmental, everyone! Of course there are different levels of judgment, but no one can truthfully say they have lived a life never judging others.

A favorite saying of mine is, don’t judge others because they sin differently. I still believe that with all my heart, but I am not perfect, I have judged. It makes me human.

But the thing I don’t get about judgment is how the biggest judgers think they aren’t. When you complain about someone judging you, they are the first to show outrage. Seriously? You totally just judged me in the way you asked that question.  So what would Laura Bush do?

I think Laura Bush would just let it go. What’s the point of getting defensive when someone judges you, especially someone that doesn’t even know you? That is much easier said than done. I have mastered the art of just accepting judgment. I do make it easy for others. “OH MY GOD, you aren’t trying to find a husband?” “Your life is incomplete without children.” “You are a waitress?” Oh yes, I sure make it easy.

I don’t always succeed, but it is really hard to get me to engage. I could easily answer back with something like “well, I am in graduate school,” but I don’t. Their mind has been made up. Let them think what they want, they are leaving someone else alone. Laura Bush would walk away, and so will I.

But what I think is the hardest is enduring judgment from those close to you, those that claim they don’t judge you. Those that justify their judgment as “looking out for you.” True, some questions are asked out of just interest and kindness, but those aren’t the questions I am referring to here. How would Laura Bush handle one more question about her love life if she was me? One more question about finding a “real” job. One more question about getting a new car.  Just one more judgment-laced question?

Well first, because it is Laura Bush, class is most important. One classy thing is I don’t particularly like talking about myself. Those close to me know I don’t share much. I can be dating someone for months, and they have no idea. This opens up a whole assuming the worse about me, but that is a topic for another day. Because I prefer to not share much, that ensures class. I won’t say anything out of line or spill information about others. People can continue to think how they want, that is their right.

Being Laura Bush I will just have to remind myself, no one is perfect. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Who am I to say they are wrong. Maybe I am all these things. Maybe their judgment is just. The key is to walk away and remain kind.

Today’s post is all over the place, but so is judgment. There is no rhythm or reason to it, much like me. But as I prepare for my day and face judgment, I will remember to ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: Damn this song is catchy. Since I have mentioned Miss Swift a few times in previous posts, figured it was only time to reference her music. Unfortunately, this is really the only song I know. It is still perfect for this entry.

Perception

“I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand. But I keep living this day like the next will never come,” Criminal, Fiona Apple

The idea of perception, and how others perceive the same thing, has always confused me. People will see things the way they want, and because of that, issues will always arise. You may not have intended something one way, but as soon as someone perceives it that way, you are screwed. No matter what you say, once their mind is made up, nothing will change it. So what would Laura Bush do?

It seems that for a while, I have perceived something much different than another person. What I thought was simple kindness was taken as flirting. Sadly, that was never my intention. I am sorry, but it wasn’t. While it is true that I am so clueless and naïve in this area, my intention was one of niceness and nothing else. That will teach me in the future for sure. It makes me sad that people no longer recognize genuine kindness. Have we all become that egotistical that simply talking to someone about their life has to mean they are into them? Really, really sad.

Apparently this was the perception of others resulting in me being the topic of a conversation. While no one likes knowing they are being spoken of untruthfully, I look at it this way, at least they are leaving someone else alone. Fast forward to me being told some cruel things and me basically wanting nothing to do with this person for the foreseeable future.

As I have said before, no one wants to be blamed or told how horrible they are. Never did I do or say anything that would make someone think this about me, but their opinion of me is theirs, not mine. If they have an issue with me it is their problem and really none of my business.

So how would Laura Bush have handled this? Would she have just ended any friendship with the person or would she have tried a little harder? I am not sure she would have just walked away like I am deciding to do, but maybe she would have. How do I know? While kindness is first and foremost in both our lives, that doesn’t mean we will be doormats either. There is only so much one person can take. Even the nicest people have their limits. If you are going to say cruel things to a person, why would anyone want you in their life?

Sometimes people take their own issues out on others because it makes them feel better. They will talk about others in hopes others won’t find that person appealing. But even knowing this, why would you keep that person around? What good can come from that?

I am not sure that this entry is exactly how Laura Bush may have handled the situation, but I still think picking being nice over interacting with someone who has shown they can be cruel is the way to go. Not feeling any remorse for wanting no contact with them is helping me think I made the correct decision. I just don’t need another person blaming me, especially for something they perceived differently than intended.

This entry does, however, showcase a sort of growth in me. A few months ago I would have never posted this since I am so extremely private, but I felt it was time to open that door just a bit. As hard as it is for me, and as hard as it will be for me to hit the publish button, if I can help another person experiencing this, then it was worth it. I may receive backlash for it, but that is the price I am willing to pay to possibly help another person. It’s a tough world, and us lost in the world need to stick together.

I will succeed and I will fail, but I will always ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: This was the song playing as I was heading home tonight. It is a great song. I also thought it fit because while I don’t feel I did anything wrong, the perception of others’ may be that I did. You decide.

Laura is everywhere!

“It’s not too hard to figure out, you see it every day. And those that were the farthest out have gone the other way,” Hip To Be Square, Huey Lewis & The News

Last week for me was just chaos. There really is no other way to say it. I was so beyond busy, I was a mess. Graduate school work was intense and I worked a couple doubles on top of it. Just when I would catch my breath, someone else was asking something of me. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to everyone and everything. Some understood, some didn’t. Fortunately, I was reminded of just how amazing people can be by a few very Laura Bush-ish actions.

Two of my friends always want my presence at a weekly event, but it isn’t always possible. I have to pick and choose when I can make it, and when I just can’t. Both are understanding, but they still want me there. Well, last week everything lined up and I was able to spend a few hours with them. When I met them I told them I wasn’t sure how long I could stay, and the response was so Laura Bush. They told me, “we just want to see you, doesn’t matter for how long.” It made me happy inside. They both know how busy I am and are appreciative of any effort. To them it wasn’t the amount of time we were together, all that mattered was that we were together. Both know it won’t always be this way, and for that I thank them. I think Laura Bush would approve.

Later the same week, I had to tell someone that I just didn’t have the time they deserved. It is hard living the starving artist life, and for the next two years it is most likely not going to get better. It just wasn’t fair to them, or me. I felt guilty for my lack of time and it was a strain on both of us. After I said what I needed to say, the response was one of compassion and understanding. The final response was, “it’s worth the wait.” A situation that could have gotten ugly didn’t. It could have easily gotten childish, easily placed blame and pointed fingers, but that never happened. The high road was taken, and for that I will always cherish the time. Plus, who doesn’t want to hear they are worth it? Taking the high road, now that just screams Laura Bush.

A close friend of mine experienced an illness in their family recently. As scary as the event was for them, watching our friends rally around them was truly moving. It didn’t matter what any of us had to do that day, weekend, or month, we were there for them. Not that my friends are not a caring group, but watching how everyone rallies around each other reminded me why I choose to spend my little free time with these people. All of them have a little Laura Bush in them. They show kindness above all else.

I don’t know Taylor Swift personally, but the more I learn of her, the more I respect her. As I have written before, I get her and believe in her honesty. I still don’t really love her music, but I dig her. Anyway, she was on the cover of my Rolling Stone magazine recently and I was impressed with her class in the photos. The photos were of her at the beach wearing jeans and a white tank top. Being a white shirt, in the water, the photos could have been completely trashy (Rolling Stone has been known to go that route), but they weren’t. You never saw too much of her. You never saw anything you wouldn’t want her young fan base to see. She showed the world that you can be beautiful without being cheap. Well done Miss Swift. I think Laura Bush would approve.

So remember to take a look around, you will see Laura Bush in everyone. Essentially meaning, you will see kindness everywhere. And when faced with a situation that isn’t showing Laura Bush, stop and simply ask, what would Laura Bush do?  

Editor’s Note: If you think Huey Lewis & The News needs explaining, stop and give it another listen. Or just watch Back to the Future.

Time

“I’ve been crushed by tumbling tide. And my soul has been psychedelicized,” Time Has Come Today, The Chamber Brothers

So I came to another realization recently, I no longer seem to have any time. Seriously, every moment of my life now seems to be filled with work, school or training. It’s a good thing I don’t require a whole lot of sleep to function. Well, that is until it catches up with me. Making it worse is the sense I am being pulled in a million different directions by many different people. So, what does it take for me going forward to just say no without the fear of disappointment or retaliation?

I would like to believe 100 percent those that truly support me will understand. That when I just can’t make it somewhere or tackle another project, they will understand. Unfortunately, this is not the case as of late. The times I have said no have upset people. So what would Laura Bush do?

There are some that understand and don’t get mad, but ask if there is anything they can do to help. My best friend is one of those people. When I need to do homework and cancel plans, she never gets mad. Sometimes she is the one that suggests it. But others sure like to throw it back in my face.

For example, the passive aggressive text along the lines of “I know you are just so busy, but can you…” I get these often. Another favorite, “you are just so popular, I need to get on your schedule in advance.” I really wish me being busy was a sign of being so popular as opposed to the truth, being so stressed. Newsflash, you aren’t helping by adding to it by making me feel guilty.

I am partly to blame since most of my life I have been the person that is always there. Always available for every project, every party, every meltdown, every graduation, every wedding, every…you get the point. I am always happy to be that person, but by being that person, I fear I have created a monster. Now the shock of me saying no is making others mad. It is made worse by the fact I don’t feel it necessary to explain myself. And contrary to popular belief, rarely is my reason exciting. Yes, I would much rather go to a movie than write a paper, but this is my life now. That graduate degree isn’t going to earn itself.

The times I do decide to say yes and put a commitment on the backburner since “it isn’t due yet,” something always happens. I don’t blame others when something gets in the way preventing me to finish, it is just my dumb luck sometimes. But it has made me realize I really need to put myself first. Get all my commitments taken care of. Get those papers graded, get those emails answered, get that paper done, then do the things asked of me.

So going forward, how do I stay true to myself while not disappointing others? How would Laura Bush?

I am going to begin by reminding myself why I am doing what I am doing — working two jobs (sometimes three) and going to graduate school. I am doing it for me. This isn’t for anyone else, it is for me.

Next, I am going to politely decline offers. This will be hard for me at first since I will feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t, but I will. It is too late to change this trait about me. But with every decline I give, I will be kind. I will be Laura Bush. I am pretty sure she can’t do everything asked of her.

I will still be to as much as I can, and help with all I can, but will remind myself that I need a break. To remember just how beat I was this past weekend when I was running that I just couldn’t go on. I was walking dead in a sense. I don’t want to be that person, it wasn’t pretty or fun.

Finally, I will remind myself I am happy. Yes, I am crazy busy, tired most days, stressed beyond belief, but still happy as amazing as that is. This is my life, this is how I am living it for a while, and it is Ok with me. Being happy, being me, and working toward a goal, how could that not be Laura Bush?

Author’s Note: On my ride home from work I was thinking of possible lyrics to use with this entry that involved time. There were numerous options that came to mind, but this one was the one I kept coming back to. I have always loved this song. Plus, I love any time an artist creates a new word.

What to do?

“Are you wanting inspiration? You spill your secrets on me,” Thorn In My Pride, The Black Crowes

After over a week of what can only be described as the plague, and a little Labor Day fun, I have made my way back to my keyboard. And more importantly, back to Laura Bush.

Even though I was away from writing for some time, I was still faced with different what would Laura Bush do moments. Today I am going to focus on one that will hopefully result in some much needed guidance.  

I friend came to me recently to share some news with me. It wasn’t good news. Aside from the problem at hand, I had no idea what to say or how to be there for them. Seriously, it is a topic that I have absolutely no experience with and I am pretty sure I failed miserably helping my friend talk about it.  

Amongst those closest to me, they have instructed me to just not give advice ever in certain areas. Apparently, my advice isn’t always the best. But that said, what do you do when they come to you, only you, and they need you? I know how to be there for people, but I don’t always have the words. What would Laura Bush do?

This isn’t a problem that will go away overnight for my friend. It is a problem that we will face together for as long as we need to. But how do I make sure I help and don’t harm? Having no firsthand experience will limit anything I can say. I understand some venting time may be in order where I really don’t have to give advice, just listen, but what do I do when asked, “what am I going to do?” Do I let the call go silent or do I make something up? Do I research what experts say, or do I speak from the heart? I have no idea.

I hope that Laura Bush would do what I am trying to do, be there. So as I try to help a friend get through the next phase in their life, I will remember to channel Laura Bush. I will listen. I will be there. I will try to find the words. And I will be kind.

I will fail sometimes, but also succeed in being there. I will let my friend know I am trying, I love them and we will get through it. And I will continue to ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: The Black Crowes are one of my top bands (ever) and this song is my favorite. Today just felt like a Black Crowes kind of day.

Saying goodbye

“People passing by they would stop and say, Oh my that little country boy could play,” Johnny B. Goode, Chuck Berry

This week I said goodbye to an amazing woman, my grandmother. No matter how much we think we are prepared for a death, we never really are. I know she is at peace, and at 95 years of age, lived a great life. She experienced many ups and downs, but remained a fighter. Some of my best childhood memories are of times spent with her. Times my sister and I stayed the night playing Racko, staying up all night, and watching movies we really weren’t supposed to watch. The best thing was, she was always there with us having just as much fun.

Many, many years ago my grandmother said something that has been a family quote ever since. One of the times I was a topic of discussion, she simply said, “Kitt is Kitt.” She summed me up perfectly. Her true understanding of me, for good or bad, is a memory I will forever cherish and remember as I learn to live in a world without her.

More than anyone, I think my grandmother knew just how much I am my father’s daughter, her son. I may look just like my mom, but I am my dad. From sharing the same taste in music, television, books and film, to sitting the same way when watching anything, to being a little misunderstood and closed-off, I am my dad. My grandmother always seemed to understand that. She knew that my dad was my hero, in good times and bad. I like to think that he was hers as well. All families have ups and downs, but the love is always there.

So as I prepare for the influx of family arriving, and all that comes with a passing of a loved one, I remember the good and forget the bad. There is no need in remembering any of that. There is only need in celebrating a beautiful life. And when things get tense, as they always do when family is involved, I will simply stop and think, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: I picked this song because the movie Johnny B. Good was one of those films my grandmother let us watch when we really weren’t old enough. Good thing we didn’t really understand some of it!