I am me

“Can’t keep up with my rhythm, though they keep trying. Too quick for the lines they throw.  I walk to the sound of my own drum. It goes, they go, we go, hey yeah yeah yeah,” The Walker, Fitz and the Tantrums

Today while I was out for breakfast I had a stranger approach me and he gave me a lovely compliment. There was no hidden agenda behind his words; he was simply being nice. I don’t know how our paths crossed, how he knew I needed to hear it, or why he picked me, but I was thankful. I wasn’t just thankful for his words, I was thankful to be reminded that there are nice people in the world.

It was also a reminder to continue to be me. I am sure some reading this are thinking I am either self-righteous or self-serving, and that no one can always be as kind as I try to be. And you know what? No one can. We all fail sometimes. We all let others get the best of us. None of us are perfect.

But regardless of all this, I don’t believe I am any of the things mentioned earlier. I am just me. And here are a few things that I hope to never change about me. A few things that I hope will continue to inspire my blog and my readers.

I don’t believe in defending myself against anything that isn’t true. How can you defend something that wasn’t true in the first place? All this does is fuel a fire that doesn’t deserve to burn. All this does is make everyone look foolish.

I don’t believe in ever running my mouth about others, even those that choose to speak unkind of me or others. I left high school a long time ago. What’s the point of this? People expecting to tell me something others have said to get me to engage are often disappointed. I just listen and leave it at that. I won’t give you anything to take back and say I said. Silence can’t be misquoted.  I don’t think this makes me self-righteous or too good to be true, I think this makes me a good person. This makes me a trying person. I try every day to hold my tongue. Sometimes it is tough, but I will always try.

Don’t get me wrong, I do say unkind things. It is only human. But I try to not say them from a place of hurt or anger. And I am incredibly selective as to who I say these things to (where my girls at?). It takes me a very long time to open up to anyone about anything. And those that I do go to I hope know this. The few I have sought guidance from lately haven’t done anything to lose my trust and I hope they never will.

Along the same lines, I believe in letting others make their own judgments of others. I am not going to say anything to sway their view one way or another. When someone asks me what happened in any situation I just respectfully decline to give detail. If others involved are not there to defend themselves, I don’t want to be the reason they are viewed negatively. If you are to be viewed in a negative light, I want you to do that all on your own.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t always apply to friends. My friends hear my side of the story, but I still try to stop myself from saying anything too prejudicial in either direction. But when it comes to best friends, all bets are off.

One final note, the little things in life make me incredibly happy. This may be why I miss out on the “big” things, but such is life. I get happy when I get a new Barbie. I get happy when the sun is out. I get happy when I have a good run. I get happy when I get concert tickets. I get happy when a friend has good news. I get happy when an episode of Law & Order I haven’t seen in years is on. I get happy when a movie I want to see is released. I love the little things. I get so excited, I can’t help it. It has annoyed people in my past, but I guess some of us have to be annoying.

And I get happy about Laura Bush. I get happy when someone references her to me. I get happy when someone in my life looks at me and says, “what would Laura Bush do?”

Author’s note: This song came on earlier and I was just really feeling it. I love this band.

Tough Situation

“I’ve got fire for a heart. I’m not scared of the dark. You’ve never seen it look so easy,” Drag Me Down, One Direction

Last night I was hit smack in the face with a What Would Laura Bush Do situation. But can I pull it off?

So the events of the last few weeks have reached a new level of ridiculous in the form of bad mouthing. The problem? Not a single word of it is true. So what to do?

I learned of this information via a phone call from a friend. I was pretty speechless at first. Nothing you say ever stays silent, it always finds its way to the person in which you are speaking. Of course this didn’t take long seeing as it took three people to get to me. Whether this was the intention or not, I found out.

Now after I hung up the phone I was livid. No one wants to be talked about negatively, especially if untrue. As untrue as the things said were, the fact that this wasn’t the first time these things have been said was what really got me. Why have I ever been a topic of conversation?

I truly believe that speaking harshly about another person is a reflection of you and not the person. I was thankful I heard all this information from a friend and not someone that can’t wait to pass along the information, truth be damned. The people that love to bring others down and for whatever reason enjoy it.   

Now at first all I wanted to do was tell someone exactly where they could go. Set them straight, get my jabs in, and move on. But you know what? That feeling lasted a very short time. I stopped, calmed down, and asked, what would Laura Bush do?

What purpose would engaging it serve? People are going to always believe what they want to believe. I am not that person. I don’t believe in engaging. I believe in me. Whether it is trying to save face since I walked away; whether it is trying to continue to make me look like a fool; whether it is simply how they believe people can behave; it is not for me.

So I logged on to social media, hit the unfriend button on a few folks, looked at my best friend and said, “it’s done.”

The hurt feelings won’t go away as quickly as I walked away, but they will. I will come out unharmed since through it all I remained kind. I remained classy. I remained mature. I remained honest. I remained Laura Bush.

Author’s Note: Yep, I love One Direction.

Where my girls at?

“Waste time with a masterpiece, don’t waste time with a masterpiece,” Cake By The Ocean, DNCE

Sometimes you just need to ask, where my girls at? Tonight amongst an impending snow storm, I went to dinner with two of my friends. And it was exactly what I needed. Snow was coming down, but we weren’t bothered by it. We had drinks, food, conversation, and laughs.

It is funny how people come into your life. These two are by far two of the best additions to my life. The three of us went to school together, but it wasn’t until later in life we truly became friends. What started as a shared love of live music turned into great friendships.

These are the two that I now go to when I need to talk and that was what I needed tonight. We talked about everything going on and they listened. But more importantly, they supported me. Each weighed in on the situation with honesty, but also with kindness. I am thankful for both of them.

After we parted so we could each get home safely, I couldn’t help but wonder how you can be closer to someone you haven’t really known that long, and so far distanced from people that you have known for years. Is it simply that you outgrow each other, or is it something else? Is it something that I am doing?

I have an amazing ability to walk away. I may be dying inside, but I never show it. Yes, I do have this ability, but I also give people too many chances before I get to this point. If I cut you off, chances are you handed me the scissors. So is this why those I once sought when I was down have been replaced? Or is it simply these two came into my life at the perfect moment?

I will always be polite to my friends no matter how long it has been since we have talked, but is it wrong to not confide in them like old times? Everyone has their own lives and I can’t be selfish enough to think that I will always fit in in the same manner that I once did. This is just the nature of the beast. But should I feel guilty about that? Should I be mad when a friend gets jealous of me confiding in others? What would Laura Bush do?

I would like to think that all my friends just want the best for me, as I do them. I would like to think that my friends know I will always be there, but that sometimes we have different paths. We no longer have the same commitments, but we are forever friends.

So next time I feel as if a friendship isn’t what it once was, I will remember to look at the big picture. I will remember the good times. I will remember to ask, what would Laura Bush do?  

Author’s Note: My friend absolutely loves this song; there was no better choice for this entry.

Exhausted

“I’ve been over the hill and back, survived every kind of attack. It's been a few years at that, as a matter of fact,” By Your Side, The Black Crowes

It’s exhausting being me. Now before you roll your eyes at that statement, this is not going to be one of those “woe is me” posts that are really just a fishing expedition for compliments. It is simply a statement that I will explain.

A burden that I have always carried is that I always try to see the good in people. Regardless of how this may bite me in the ass, I always try to see the good. It is tough. It is exhausting.

This past week either I or those close to me have experienced some shit from others and I am starting to think that perhaps there is no good in some people. I am starting to think that selfishness is becoming the norm. I am exhausted.

A fear of mine is becoming bitter and/or jaded. I wear blinders sometimes, but that is because I want to see the good, not the bad. People hurt me and I am sure I have hurt people. I am not perfect, but I am kind. But is starting to doubt the good in people kind? Can I doubt the good in people and still consider myself kind?

As exhausted as I may be, as hurt as I may be, as sad as some of my friends are, as bad as it, you know what? I still want to be me. The more I write this post, the more I realize that this is a burden I am willing to continue to shoulder. I don’t want to be anyone else.

As stressed as I get having to be everything to everyone, to be at everything I am invited to, to be there for everyone that needs me, I am happy to be that person. Yes, I am tired. I don’t deny that it can get old. But what if I am the only one giving someone hope? Why would I take that away from another person? Whether it is just drinks my presence is requested at, or a friend going through heartbreak, I will answer the call.

Tonight when I was out with my family I was asked a question that really was the foundation of this post. My friend looked at me and said, “they clearly don’t deserve you and definitely not your kindness, why do you do it?” I just smiled and responded, “you will never give me a good enough reason to not be kind.”

Yes I can be difficult. I can reach my limit. I can give you attitude. But at the end of the day, I am Ok with that because never am I cruel. Never am I not asking, what would Laura Bush do?

People lately have gone against my belief system. I have seen the bad in them, and not the good. It has been tough. But no matter how tough, I am trying to show them how class works. I am showing them that integrity does exist. I am showing them that no matter what they come at me with, I will still be nice. I think the world needs more of it. I think I need more of it, too.

This post is a little all over the place. It may not make sense. It may be scattered. But so am I. I am going to wake up tomorrow to a new day. I am going to put on my armor in the form of a smile. I am going to greet the world ready to deflect all the negativity. I am going to be kind. I am going to believe in the good in people. I am going to ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: I love the Black Crowes. I am sure I have used this song in the past, but when I heard it tonight it had another meaning. It was a reassurance that I must continue to be there when needed. I must continue to be me.

Boiling Point

“Just take this song and you’ll never feel left all alone,” Home Sweet Home, Motley Crue

The problem with bottling everything in is that sometimes you blow. Sometimes you just lose it and anyone unfortunate enough to be near you will get the worst of it. This happened to me today. For some reason I just had enough and my best friend was the recipient of my meanness. I snapped and got an attitude with her for no other reason than I reached my boiling point. I unloaded on her about everything and sadly, none of it was because of her.

Of all the things I snapped about, not once was she the culprit. She is the one that never demands anything from me. The one that is just happy to see me when she can. The one that never expects me to work around her schedule. The one who gives me her shoulder when needed. The one that is just there no matter what.

The surprising part — she didn’t get mad. She didn’t snap back, she didn’t call me an asshole (it would have been deserved). She didn’t walk away. She listened. She let me go off about this and that and she didn’t say a word. She demonstrated in that moment how all friends should be and I am forever thankful for that. The world could take a lesson from her. Later in the day when I apologized, she accepted it, and all was good. She reminded me she is always there to listen and won’t get mad, it is what best friends do.

So how do I prevent this episode from happening again while remaining Laura Bush? The obvious answer is to let it out more often. But that is much easier said than done. I have been this way for as long as I can remember, and I can’t change overnight. I am trying, but it is difficult. So what is the next answer? I don’t know.

I am blessed to have two best friends (my sister not included). One lives a couple states away, and one lives about 15 miles from me. And the Laura Bush thing to do would be to open up to them more and prevent it from boiling over. These two I trust more than anyone, they will listen and maybe prevent the ugliness of today. So I made a phone date with one, and a television date with the other this week.

So I must remember to talk and share. I must remember to not let it get bad. I must remember to ask, what would Laura Bush do?  

Author’s note: The lyrics to this song are both haunting and beautiful. When I hear this song I stop for a moment and just listen. I forget the world and let the ballad wash over me. It will always be a favorite of mine.

Two situations

“Plus I showed up with a coat fresher than wet paint. So if love is a chess game, check mate,” Berzerk, Eminem

Today I faced two situations that required me to stop and ask, what would Laura Bush do?

The first was in the result of a message from someone. It was someone that I recently had a falling out with. It was from someone that I didn’t think I would hear from again, they made their choice, nor was I sure that I ever wanted contact again. As I read the “innocent” message I was plagued with what to do. Should I engage and just lay it all out there, or do I ignore it? What to do?

I thought for a little while and came to this conclusion, I was going to be nice. I will answer the question asked and leave it at that. I could ignore it, but how is that being kind? Remember, there is no reason not to be kind. You can be angry, but you can’t be unkind. I could lay into the person since they opened the door, but what would that accomplish other than making me angrier? So I answered, got a response back, and that was all she wrote.

I don’t know the reason behind the seemingly innocent text. I have never been one that can read between the lines. I don’t pick up on everything. I am clueless. But I believe that to the best of my ability, I was classy. It may be the end of our contact, but that is now out of my hands. I am Ok with how I behaved.

The second moment was later in the day when talking to someone. This person knows all involved and I could have easily unloaded on them all that has happened. They would be interested. But they would spread it around. They would want people to know the truth. While I am thankful that they would be standing up for me and my wellbeing, I am glad that I never mentioned a word. I never mentioned anything even remotely close to the situation. I thought to myself, what would that solve? How would that not make me sink to a level I don’t want to be on? How would that help my privacy that I value so deeply? How would that be Laura Bush? So I remained quiet and I am happy that I did. Silence is my policy.

I was faced with two situations and I believe I did just as Laura Bush would. It may be for nothing in the grand scheme of things to others, but remaining classy will always be something to me. Thank you, Laura Bush.

Author’s note: People always seem to be surprised that I love Eminem. I don’t agree with him on many things (he is far removed from Laura Bush), but what I do agree with is his ability to use words. I get lost in his use of words. I don’t have his talent, but perhaps someday a reader will get lost in my words.

Defending

“And you’re trying to find an opening line or a brilliant idea, and you’re pacing the floor, and hoping for just a bit of divine intervention,” Hard to Be the Bard, Something Rotten

Wow, two posts in one day…what! After coming home from a great night with my BFF and her family, I wasn’t tired. I should be and have to be to work awfully early, but I am not tired. I don’t think I will sleep much. And when I don’t sleep, words race through my head and the only cure is getting them out Laura Bush style.

What I was thinking about on my way home is clear signs when something or someone is over. There are many different signs, on many different levels that can signify the end of something. Aside from death, there is one that I think is a clear-cut sign that something has ended — defending. When someone does not defend you, you know it is over. Whether it is friend or a significant other, defending shows you where you stand.

In my case, I wasn’t defended to someone. This person said things that were not true to someone that knows better and who should have come to my defense. This didn’t happen and I knew in that situation that it was time to tap out. For whatever reason, they didn’t say a word and let the non-truth be said. That was their decision and that reflects their character. Yes the things said reflect mine, but only if people choose to believe it. How someone feels about me or what they believe to be true is on them and frankly none of my business.

So what would Laura Bush do when faced with a situation that she was not treated in a respectful way. Would she say something? Would she stand her ground? Would she walk away? I don’t know exactly, but I know she would handle it with class. She would just remain mature in whatever path she chooses. I am choosing to take a step back. I am choosing to let the two involved have each other; they deserve each other and don’t deserve me. They don’t deserve my words. They don’t deserve my defense. But I believe everyone deserves kindness. So kindness is what I will give them. Aside from this entry that they will most likely never discover, I will walk away. This I believe is the kindest thing I can do. I will be Laura Bush.

But just because one person doesn’t defend you when they know the truth, doesn’t mean someone else won’t. My BFF may not always agree with my choices, but she always agrees with me. She will support me no matter what. This is how friends should always be. If you have a friend that does this for you, hold on to them. Always treat them with kindness. Always cherish them.

While I begin to sort through whom to keep in my life, I will make sure to look at a person’s actions in all situations. Actions speak louder than words ever could. Are you worth it to keep around? Should I move on and away no matter how long we have been a part of each other’s lives? And most importantly when reevaluating friendships, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s note: I went a little different route tonight and used a musical as my lyric. This musical is my new favorite and was playing as I finished this blog. Why not use it? Look it up, it’s great!

Fool

“I’ll ride the wave where it takes me. I’ll hold the pain. Release me,” Release, Pearl Jam

After a very long hiatus, it is time for this blog to return. It is not because of the demand for it. It is not because I am bored. It is not because it will lead to anything. It is not because of one particular person. It is because in my life there has never been more of a time to be Laura Bush. The need for her inspiration, her class, her outlook, herself, is what I need to be reminded of going forward.

First, my apologies to my readers for stepping away from this blog with no explanation. I could easily make up an excuse about having two jobs and being a grad student, but that is simply an excuse. While there were other reasons I decided to take a break, the real one was inspiration. For a time I stopped striving to always ask What Would Laura Bush Do? I continued to live my life by her example, but I wasn’t expressing the need for it to the world. That has changed. It is time to bring class back to all those that read this blog and are in my life.

Recently I was put in a situation that ended up making me a fool. It was a humiliation that backfired hard. It was something that I knew was going to end this way, but I held on to hope that maybe for once I was wrong. Maybe for once, I would win. I didn’t, so here I am. I find myself back at my keyboard. I find myself back to where I feel the safest. I find myself a writer again.

More details of everything that went down will continue in future blog entries (I promise!), but today I write about what Laura Bush would do when made a fool. Who is at fault when this happens? Is it the person that put you in the situation, or is it you for allowing it to ever happen? Is the blame equal? One person turned out to not be kind, but you chose to allow it.

I am a guarded person. Try as I may, I have walls. I always see the good in people, but not in myself. I am always waiting for the other shoe to fall. But with that said, I took a chance against all my hesitation. It wasn’t the right thing. I should have remained myself and just walked away earlier than now.

So because I put myself into a situation that already frightened me, is this my fault? Is this deserved? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I can still be Laura Bush. I can still walk away with class. I will not engage. I will not sink to another’s level. I will not be unkind. While someone may not have been kind to me, there is no reason for me to follow their example.

Some may stop and say that I need to stand up for myself and let my voice be heard. But silence speaks louder than any words ever could. You have made your decision, I am making mine.

So as I go forward beginning to bring this blog back to life, I will remain classy. I will remain kind. I will remain Laura Bush. I will be Ok. Life will go on. The sun will rise. And I will ask what would Laura Bush do?

Thank you to all my readers that return. Your belief will get this blog back and running.

Author's Note: The song lyric of each blog is an important part of me and this blog. The lyrics don’t necessarily go with that day’s blog entry, but sometimes they do. When thinking about what song to use for the return of the blog, Pearl Jam just kept coming back to me. Not because there is any relation to Laura Bush whatsoever, but because I find my strength in the band’s music like I do in Laura. I am releasing myself to go back into the blog world. I am scared and afraid, but I am ready.

We all judge

“But I keep cruising. Can’t stop, won’t stop grooving,” Shake It Off, Taylor Swift

Everyone is judgmental, everyone! Of course there are different levels of judgment, but no one can truthfully say they have lived a life never judging others.

A favorite saying of mine is, don’t judge others because they sin differently. I still believe that with all my heart, but I am not perfect, I have judged. It makes me human.

But the thing I don’t get about judgment is how the biggest judgers think they aren’t. When you complain about someone judging you, they are the first to show outrage. Seriously? You totally just judged me in the way you asked that question.  So what would Laura Bush do?

I think Laura Bush would just let it go. What’s the point of getting defensive when someone judges you, especially someone that doesn’t even know you? That is much easier said than done. I have mastered the art of just accepting judgment. I do make it easy for others. “OH MY GOD, you aren’t trying to find a husband?” “Your life is incomplete without children.” “You are a waitress?” Oh yes, I sure make it easy.

I don’t always succeed, but it is really hard to get me to engage. I could easily answer back with something like “well, I am in graduate school,” but I don’t. Their mind has been made up. Let them think what they want, they are leaving someone else alone. Laura Bush would walk away, and so will I.

But what I think is the hardest is enduring judgment from those close to you, those that claim they don’t judge you. Those that justify their judgment as “looking out for you.” True, some questions are asked out of just interest and kindness, but those aren’t the questions I am referring to here. How would Laura Bush handle one more question about her love life if she was me? One more question about finding a “real” job. One more question about getting a new car.  Just one more judgment-laced question?

Well first, because it is Laura Bush, class is most important. One classy thing is I don’t particularly like talking about myself. Those close to me know I don’t share much. I can be dating someone for months, and they have no idea. This opens up a whole assuming the worse about me, but that is a topic for another day. Because I prefer to not share much, that ensures class. I won’t say anything out of line or spill information about others. People can continue to think how they want, that is their right.

Being Laura Bush I will just have to remind myself, no one is perfect. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Who am I to say they are wrong. Maybe I am all these things. Maybe their judgment is just. The key is to walk away and remain kind.

Today’s post is all over the place, but so is judgment. There is no rhythm or reason to it, much like me. But as I prepare for my day and face judgment, I will remember to ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: Damn this song is catchy. Since I have mentioned Miss Swift a few times in previous posts, figured it was only time to reference her music. Unfortunately, this is really the only song I know. It is still perfect for this entry.

Perception

“I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand. But I keep living this day like the next will never come,” Criminal, Fiona Apple

The idea of perception, and how others perceive the same thing, has always confused me. People will see things the way they want, and because of that, issues will always arise. You may not have intended something one way, but as soon as someone perceives it that way, you are screwed. No matter what you say, once their mind is made up, nothing will change it. So what would Laura Bush do?

It seems that for a while, I have perceived something much different than another person. What I thought was simple kindness was taken as flirting. Sadly, that was never my intention. I am sorry, but it wasn’t. While it is true that I am so clueless and naïve in this area, my intention was one of niceness and nothing else. That will teach me in the future for sure. It makes me sad that people no longer recognize genuine kindness. Have we all become that egotistical that simply talking to someone about their life has to mean they are into them? Really, really sad.

Apparently this was the perception of others resulting in me being the topic of a conversation. While no one likes knowing they are being spoken of untruthfully, I look at it this way, at least they are leaving someone else alone. Fast forward to me being told some cruel things and me basically wanting nothing to do with this person for the foreseeable future.

As I have said before, no one wants to be blamed or told how horrible they are. Never did I do or say anything that would make someone think this about me, but their opinion of me is theirs, not mine. If they have an issue with me it is their problem and really none of my business.

So how would Laura Bush have handled this? Would she have just ended any friendship with the person or would she have tried a little harder? I am not sure she would have just walked away like I am deciding to do, but maybe she would have. How do I know? While kindness is first and foremost in both our lives, that doesn’t mean we will be doormats either. There is only so much one person can take. Even the nicest people have their limits. If you are going to say cruel things to a person, why would anyone want you in their life?

Sometimes people take their own issues out on others because it makes them feel better. They will talk about others in hopes others won’t find that person appealing. But even knowing this, why would you keep that person around? What good can come from that?

I am not sure that this entry is exactly how Laura Bush may have handled the situation, but I still think picking being nice over interacting with someone who has shown they can be cruel is the way to go. Not feeling any remorse for wanting no contact with them is helping me think I made the correct decision. I just don’t need another person blaming me, especially for something they perceived differently than intended.

This entry does, however, showcase a sort of growth in me. A few months ago I would have never posted this since I am so extremely private, but I felt it was time to open that door just a bit. As hard as it is for me, and as hard as it will be for me to hit the publish button, if I can help another person experiencing this, then it was worth it. I may receive backlash for it, but that is the price I am willing to pay to possibly help another person. It’s a tough world, and us lost in the world need to stick together.

I will succeed and I will fail, but I will always ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: This was the song playing as I was heading home tonight. It is a great song. I also thought it fit because while I don’t feel I did anything wrong, the perception of others’ may be that I did. You decide.

Laura is everywhere!

“It’s not too hard to figure out, you see it every day. And those that were the farthest out have gone the other way,” Hip To Be Square, Huey Lewis & The News

Last week for me was just chaos. There really is no other way to say it. I was so beyond busy, I was a mess. Graduate school work was intense and I worked a couple doubles on top of it. Just when I would catch my breath, someone else was asking something of me. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to everyone and everything. Some understood, some didn’t. Fortunately, I was reminded of just how amazing people can be by a few very Laura Bush-ish actions.

Two of my friends always want my presence at a weekly event, but it isn’t always possible. I have to pick and choose when I can make it, and when I just can’t. Both are understanding, but they still want me there. Well, last week everything lined up and I was able to spend a few hours with them. When I met them I told them I wasn’t sure how long I could stay, and the response was so Laura Bush. They told me, “we just want to see you, doesn’t matter for how long.” It made me happy inside. They both know how busy I am and are appreciative of any effort. To them it wasn’t the amount of time we were together, all that mattered was that we were together. Both know it won’t always be this way, and for that I thank them. I think Laura Bush would approve.

Later the same week, I had to tell someone that I just didn’t have the time they deserved. It is hard living the starving artist life, and for the next two years it is most likely not going to get better. It just wasn’t fair to them, or me. I felt guilty for my lack of time and it was a strain on both of us. After I said what I needed to say, the response was one of compassion and understanding. The final response was, “it’s worth the wait.” A situation that could have gotten ugly didn’t. It could have easily gotten childish, easily placed blame and pointed fingers, but that never happened. The high road was taken, and for that I will always cherish the time. Plus, who doesn’t want to hear they are worth it? Taking the high road, now that just screams Laura Bush.

A close friend of mine experienced an illness in their family recently. As scary as the event was for them, watching our friends rally around them was truly moving. It didn’t matter what any of us had to do that day, weekend, or month, we were there for them. Not that my friends are not a caring group, but watching how everyone rallies around each other reminded me why I choose to spend my little free time with these people. All of them have a little Laura Bush in them. They show kindness above all else.

I don’t know Taylor Swift personally, but the more I learn of her, the more I respect her. As I have written before, I get her and believe in her honesty. I still don’t really love her music, but I dig her. Anyway, she was on the cover of my Rolling Stone magazine recently and I was impressed with her class in the photos. The photos were of her at the beach wearing jeans and a white tank top. Being a white shirt, in the water, the photos could have been completely trashy (Rolling Stone has been known to go that route), but they weren’t. You never saw too much of her. You never saw anything you wouldn’t want her young fan base to see. She showed the world that you can be beautiful without being cheap. Well done Miss Swift. I think Laura Bush would approve.

So remember to take a look around, you will see Laura Bush in everyone. Essentially meaning, you will see kindness everywhere. And when faced with a situation that isn’t showing Laura Bush, stop and simply ask, what would Laura Bush do?  

Editor’s Note: If you think Huey Lewis & The News needs explaining, stop and give it another listen. Or just watch Back to the Future.

Time

“I’ve been crushed by tumbling tide. And my soul has been psychedelicized,” Time Has Come Today, The Chamber Brothers

So I came to another realization recently, I no longer seem to have any time. Seriously, every moment of my life now seems to be filled with work, school or training. It’s a good thing I don’t require a whole lot of sleep to function. Well, that is until it catches up with me. Making it worse is the sense I am being pulled in a million different directions by many different people. So, what does it take for me going forward to just say no without the fear of disappointment or retaliation?

I would like to believe 100 percent those that truly support me will understand. That when I just can’t make it somewhere or tackle another project, they will understand. Unfortunately, this is not the case as of late. The times I have said no have upset people. So what would Laura Bush do?

There are some that understand and don’t get mad, but ask if there is anything they can do to help. My best friend is one of those people. When I need to do homework and cancel plans, she never gets mad. Sometimes she is the one that suggests it. But others sure like to throw it back in my face.

For example, the passive aggressive text along the lines of “I know you are just so busy, but can you…” I get these often. Another favorite, “you are just so popular, I need to get on your schedule in advance.” I really wish me being busy was a sign of being so popular as opposed to the truth, being so stressed. Newsflash, you aren’t helping by adding to it by making me feel guilty.

I am partly to blame since most of my life I have been the person that is always there. Always available for every project, every party, every meltdown, every graduation, every wedding, every…you get the point. I am always happy to be that person, but by being that person, I fear I have created a monster. Now the shock of me saying no is making others mad. It is made worse by the fact I don’t feel it necessary to explain myself. And contrary to popular belief, rarely is my reason exciting. Yes, I would much rather go to a movie than write a paper, but this is my life now. That graduate degree isn’t going to earn itself.

The times I do decide to say yes and put a commitment on the backburner since “it isn’t due yet,” something always happens. I don’t blame others when something gets in the way preventing me to finish, it is just my dumb luck sometimes. But it has made me realize I really need to put myself first. Get all my commitments taken care of. Get those papers graded, get those emails answered, get that paper done, then do the things asked of me.

So going forward, how do I stay true to myself while not disappointing others? How would Laura Bush?

I am going to begin by reminding myself why I am doing what I am doing — working two jobs (sometimes three) and going to graduate school. I am doing it for me. This isn’t for anyone else, it is for me.

Next, I am going to politely decline offers. This will be hard for me at first since I will feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t, but I will. It is too late to change this trait about me. But with every decline I give, I will be kind. I will be Laura Bush. I am pretty sure she can’t do everything asked of her.

I will still be to as much as I can, and help with all I can, but will remind myself that I need a break. To remember just how beat I was this past weekend when I was running that I just couldn’t go on. I was walking dead in a sense. I don’t want to be that person, it wasn’t pretty or fun.

Finally, I will remind myself I am happy. Yes, I am crazy busy, tired most days, stressed beyond belief, but still happy as amazing as that is. This is my life, this is how I am living it for a while, and it is Ok with me. Being happy, being me, and working toward a goal, how could that not be Laura Bush?

Author’s Note: On my ride home from work I was thinking of possible lyrics to use with this entry that involved time. There were numerous options that came to mind, but this one was the one I kept coming back to. I have always loved this song. Plus, I love any time an artist creates a new word.

What to do?

“Are you wanting inspiration? You spill your secrets on me,” Thorn In My Pride, The Black Crowes

After over a week of what can only be described as the plague, and a little Labor Day fun, I have made my way back to my keyboard. And more importantly, back to Laura Bush.

Even though I was away from writing for some time, I was still faced with different what would Laura Bush do moments. Today I am going to focus on one that will hopefully result in some much needed guidance.  

I friend came to me recently to share some news with me. It wasn’t good news. Aside from the problem at hand, I had no idea what to say or how to be there for them. Seriously, it is a topic that I have absolutely no experience with and I am pretty sure I failed miserably helping my friend talk about it.  

Amongst those closest to me, they have instructed me to just not give advice ever in certain areas. Apparently, my advice isn’t always the best. But that said, what do you do when they come to you, only you, and they need you? I know how to be there for people, but I don’t always have the words. What would Laura Bush do?

This isn’t a problem that will go away overnight for my friend. It is a problem that we will face together for as long as we need to. But how do I make sure I help and don’t harm? Having no firsthand experience will limit anything I can say. I understand some venting time may be in order where I really don’t have to give advice, just listen, but what do I do when asked, “what am I going to do?” Do I let the call go silent or do I make something up? Do I research what experts say, or do I speak from the heart? I have no idea.

I hope that Laura Bush would do what I am trying to do, be there. So as I try to help a friend get through the next phase in their life, I will remember to channel Laura Bush. I will listen. I will be there. I will try to find the words. And I will be kind.

I will fail sometimes, but also succeed in being there. I will let my friend know I am trying, I love them and we will get through it. And I will continue to ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: The Black Crowes are one of my top bands (ever) and this song is my favorite. Today just felt like a Black Crowes kind of day.

Saying goodbye

“People passing by they would stop and say, Oh my that little country boy could play,” Johnny B. Goode, Chuck Berry

This week I said goodbye to an amazing woman, my grandmother. No matter how much we think we are prepared for a death, we never really are. I know she is at peace, and at 95 years of age, lived a great life. She experienced many ups and downs, but remained a fighter. Some of my best childhood memories are of times spent with her. Times my sister and I stayed the night playing Racko, staying up all night, and watching movies we really weren’t supposed to watch. The best thing was, she was always there with us having just as much fun.

Many, many years ago my grandmother said something that has been a family quote ever since. One of the times I was a topic of discussion, she simply said, “Kitt is Kitt.” She summed me up perfectly. Her true understanding of me, for good or bad, is a memory I will forever cherish and remember as I learn to live in a world without her.

More than anyone, I think my grandmother knew just how much I am my father’s daughter, her son. I may look just like my mom, but I am my dad. From sharing the same taste in music, television, books and film, to sitting the same way when watching anything, to being a little misunderstood and closed-off, I am my dad. My grandmother always seemed to understand that. She knew that my dad was my hero, in good times and bad. I like to think that he was hers as well. All families have ups and downs, but the love is always there.

So as I prepare for the influx of family arriving, and all that comes with a passing of a loved one, I remember the good and forget the bad. There is no need in remembering any of that. There is only need in celebrating a beautiful life. And when things get tense, as they always do when family is involved, I will simply stop and think, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: I picked this song because the movie Johnny B. Good was one of those films my grandmother let us watch when we really weren’t old enough. Good thing we didn’t really understand some of it!

Believing

“Well I got to keep it going keep it going full steam. Too sweet to be sour too nice to be mean,” Intergalactic, Beastie Boys

Last week I received a text from a friend that made me stop and think. Her text read, “I don’t know why I see the good in people, they mostly suck.” The text conversation continued, but I did have to wonder. Is it ever time to stop always seeing the good? Can you be hurt enough to just realize it is no longer feasible to continue believing in others?

I have always seen the good in people. As I have mentioned before, it is a fault of mine. But what would Laura Bush do when a friend starts to have doubts? She hasn’t had the best go of things, but until now she was always positive. She was a kind, genuine person. She was the kind of friend everyone should have. I have struggled as well seeing the good, even when there wasn’t any to see, but I still believe. I have been hurt, I have doubted, but for me I will continue believing in people. Is it selfish to try to push my beliefs on her when I can’t really promise people won’t disappoint her? What would Laura Bush do?

I think Laura Bush would listen. I will respond with positive thoughts, but I will understand where she is coming from. I will remind myself that I have also had my doubts, and what she needs is an ear to listen. She may doubt others, but I will show her that she won’t ever doubt me. I will continue to show her that there are good people out there. There are people who truly care about her, no matter what.

It may hurt me in the end, but I am going to continue seeing the good in people and in everything. I will show my friend the good. And I will show her what Laura Bush would do.

Author’s Note: I absolutely love the Beastie Boys. I love that their rhymes never had to be incredibly dirty or vulgar. They had a message and used words to get it out. They had fun songs, while also having thought provoking songs. I miss them.

It's Friday!

“Smile and grin at the change all around, pick up my guitar and play,” Won’t Get Fooled Again, The Who.

As some of my recent posts have alluded to, I was not having the best week. I am not complaining nor do I blame anyone else. It was just a funk I was in. It happens. But I am not dwelling on it. That is not very Laura Bush. As poorly as I may have been feeling, there were people that showed me that it didn’t matter that I was down, but also showed me that there was no need to be that way. They showed me that Laura Bush is in all of us.

Earlier in the week when it seemed that everything was just blowing up in my face, one person was sending me texts that were helping get my mind off of things. He didn’t care what was going on, who was right, he only cared about me. He said the right things and made me laugh. He has his own things going on, but he still made sure I was Ok. How is that not something Laura Bush would do?

Yesterday I had another one of my marathon phone dates with a close friend. She has been through a lot the past week, but she listened to me. She heard me. She knows that I have trouble opening up, but she didn’t let that stop me. She, in the kindest way, made me open up. She knew that I needed more than just the offer to talk, I needed the effort. I opened up more than I usually do and it was much needed. She gave advice, we laughed, and she completely turned my day and mood around. And of course, she told me to never let it get as bad as I had and to call her anytime. Well this is a given, our 2 hour phone call didn’t even come close to some of our other long calls. Much like my friend the night before, she understood I needed her and she delivered. She helped in the way only she can. She showed me that Laura Bush kindness that I seek to see in the world.

Thursday nights are my BFF nights. Besides having the most understanding husband ever, she has two of the most loving children. Kids are too young to judge and are just pure. Her kids love me with the type of unconditional love only kids can offer. Neither one cares what is going on in my life, they just want me there. They just want to see me, talk to me, and hug me. If ever in a bad mood, spend 10 minutes with those two kids and you will definitely feel better.

So today is a new day. A new day to realize that things really aren’t that bad. A new day to ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: I couldn’t think of a lyric to use today, so figured I would just go with my favorite band.

Choices

“Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you’re wrong,” Drops of Jupiter, Train

Choices I have made have been questioned lately by others, and by me. I have been judged, I have been supported, and I have been lost. The thing is, I don’t regret a single choice I have made. Those choices have gotten me where I am today, for better or for worse. To others where I am may not seem ideal, but good thing I am not them. I don’t believe any of my choices were wrong. In the moment when you make a choice, you believe it is right. It may not end well, but you had a reason to make it.

I don’t really believe in regrets either. Life sucks some times, but nothing is perfect. Do I wish some things turned out differently? Of course, but I don’t dwell on it. My decisions weren’t for anyone to agree with, they were for me. I don’t need agreement, I need respect.

Any readers of this blog know that I am not good with confrontation. I avoid it at all costs, and because of that it is easy to be blamed. I don’t feel I need to justify any of my actions. If I did, then why would I do it? Why do something you have to explain later? It is easy for everyone to gang up on me because I won’t fight back. I won’t justify myself. Partly because I avoid confrontation, partly because I don’t feel I need to. If someone isn’t going to get my side of a story, that is on them. It sucks, but I can’t change it.

So how would Laura Bush handle herself when her actions are called into question? I think she would handle it like I have been. I listen to the advice of others, accept they think I am wrong, and then simply move on. My actions are not for anyone else but me. In the end, you only have to be Ok with yourself and not take everything so personally. I may struggle with not taking everything so personally, but I never struggle with not being kind. People will sometimes always believe the negative and hear what they want, but that doesn’t mean I have to listen.

As I take a hard look at why people may believe my choices were wrong, I will remember that everyone has a right to their opinion. I don’t have to agree or really mind that others feel one way. I accept everyone’s opinion. But one thing I don’t have to accept is ever living my life by not asking, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: I am not a fan of Train, but this song was on when I was waiting in line at the store thinking about my next blog. Figured, why not use it today.

Feelings

“Ya callin’ my name, but I gotta make it clear. Can’t say where I’m gonna be in a year,” Sweet Emotion, Aerosmith

The whole idea of feelings is a tricky business. You are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Lately, I have had my feelings hurt and I have decided that maybe expressing how I feel isn’t the best bet for me. Sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve, but those days may be over. It never really gets you anywhere and rarely does it get the outcome you want.

As I have written about before, opening up is not my strong suit. I was trying to change that, but I have decided that I am done trying. Keeping it to myself has worked for me in the past, why change that? “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back” (Prov 29:11).

The thing is, you can’t change how you feel. It isn’t for anyone else to understand, your feelings are yours. Genuine people in your life will understand that. No one is ever going to always agree with you, but they can respect you. Sometimes feelings are irrational, but that is another reason they are tricky. To others they may not make sense, but trust in your feelings. No one is saying you have to be right.

I expressed some feelings earlier this week and it blew up in my face. What was I thinking? I am not that girl. I don’t get down on it or get too upset with people, I just am. This is my burden to bear. I am fully aware that to some people I provide a sort of example. When they get down they can think, well things could be worse. And that’s fine. I don’t feel the same way, but will gladly give them an escape if needed.

I have always been a strong believer in never really saying anything to someone about people who may be their friends. I don’t mean just not talking about them, especially when it’s good news, I mean putting someone in a situation to make them uncomfortable or feel they need to pick a side. I don’t believe in picking a side. I broke that belief this weekend, and I am paying for it dearly. I have upset more people than I ever intended and am kind of on my own for a while. Even after my apology, I know it is time for me to just step back for a while. I took happiness away from someone and it made me appear to be selfish. Much like my dislike for being unkind, I really dislike selfishness.

Now how does pushing it all back down resemble Laura Bush. Well, because keeping things to yourself is sometimes the kindest thing you can do. No one wants someone pointing out something they did that you possibly didn’t agree with, or understand. No one wants to be constantly told they are wrong. And if you are like me, you dislike someone making excuses for being unkind. You will never give me a good enough reason to not be kind.

As much as keeping things in can be bad for you, I have realized, for me, it is what is right for me to do at this moment in my life. No one likes a mess. No one wants a “woe is me” person in their life. It is selfish to put all your problems on someone else. My life is mine, the burden is mine.

Don’t get me wrong, there will still be people I share with. People who always listen, never judge, and most importantly, hear me. That is the thing, taking the time to really understand why someone may feel the way they do. I am fully aware that some of my feelings are crazy, but those I confide in always hear me out. They never take sides, but they make me feel that I am Ok feeling how I do. I am sure they don’t always agree, but I never feel bad for feeling how I do after a marathon phone night or a BFF night. I never feel I have to justify myself, but they also never give me a hard time. They may voice their opinion, but it is never telling me I a wrong.

Going forward I am going to just remain quiet, keep it in, and do what is asked of me. This goes against advice I just received on the phone, but I think it is best. I will keep my feelings mine and take kindness above all. It may not really be what Laura Bush would do, but it is the selfless thing to do. This may not really be the wisest decision, but it is the kindest. Putting others first and being kind, now how is that not Laura Bush?

Author’s Note: Just one of the best songs ever!

Karma

“But spirit is something that no one destroys,” The Low Spark Of High Heeled Boys, Traffic

So I think last night karma came back and got me, and got me good. As a previous blog post had mentioned, a friend was mad at me for assuming something I wrote was about them. As much as it wasn’t, feelings were hurt and they are no longer talking to me. Well my feelings were hurt last night and point taken. No matter what the full story may be, when feelings get hurt it is never a good thing.

The situation was completely different, but the end result was the same. As annoyed as I was that excuses were made, I stopped to wonder how Laura Bush would handle this. I have had some issues with the friends in question before, but I always just got over it and moved on. I kept them in my life and just dealt with the lack of understanding as to why I was upset. But should I continue to do that? Would Laura Bush?

Honestly, I am not sure. On one hand, the friendships have been a part of my life for more than half of it, so can I just throw the history and memories away? On the other hand, how much is too much? When do I just walk away? When do I realize my feelings matter and no matter the excuses or apologies, to take those in to account?

I believe that Laura Bush would remain classy, but remember the way she felt it this particular situation. I will try to remain quiet when I see them. I will not make a big deal about it, I will let them continue to think what they did was Ok. They may never learn from me remaining quiet, but I have learned that sometimes it is not worth mentioning. If things will never change, there is no use in repeating myself to deaf ears.

As I continue about my day, still very hurt, I will smile and let it go. Outside of this post, what is done is done and it is in the past. No sense in talking about it anymore, no sense in listening to excuses, and no sense in letting it bother me. The only sense is to continue to ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: This song has been running through my head since I heard it last night. Figured I would return the favor to those who are blessed enough to know the amazing catalogue of music from Traffic.

I am mine

“Me, I figure as each breath goes by, I only own my mind,” I Am Mine, Pearl Jam

I often wonder what it says about me when it comes to editing me around certain people. I am always me, but what does it mean when I only will share certain information? I am incredibly private, that has always been true, but why do I guard my life around certain people? Does it make me dishonest or is it more a protective shield?

The world is full of people who overshare, and I do somewhat envy them. They will just put it all out there and the outcome be damned. That is not me, that has never been me. But since I value honesty, am I basically being a hypocrite by being guarded? If I did something in my past, why do I sometimes not share? Is it judgment? Or is it just because of the trust of certain people?

There are two people in this world that I share everything with. Two people that know every detail, every feeling, but I have more friends than two. So what is my issue with sharing with everyone? If asked about something, I will respond honestly, but I will maybe not tell everything. Should I work on this? Would Laura Bush?

When I stop and think about who knows what, I begin to realize that it comes down to one word — trust. I love all my friends, but I do trust others more. This is on me as some may not have done anything in my past to warrant me being uneasy with sharing. Yes, some have. Some that were once in my life, unfortunately, know me better than I would like, but none of these would I call friend. They have shared about me with others, and that I will spend my life dealing with. I do believe talking about someone reflects more on the one speaking than the one you may be speaking of. But what does it take to be more open? What would Laura Bush do?

Well I think Laura Bush would take each person one on one. If there is something stopping me from being completely open with someone, I need to think about what that may be. It might be fear, I am scared of a great deal in this world. It might be knowing the others in their world and wanting to be guarded around outside forces. But it also may simply be that I just don’t want to share something. It may be in the past and no need to be discussed. It may be that I don’t want a particular person to think I was even mentioning them. It may just be me.

There really is no rhyme or reason to me, I am random. I don’t think I am being dishonest when I stay private, I think I am just being me. This blog is helping me not bottle everything up, but this will take quite some time to overcome. Being private doesn’t mean that I care what others think of me, it means I am being me. I am awkward, I am uneasy, I am being the person I have always been.

So as I continue down the road with my friends, I will try to open up more. I will try to share more. I will try to always remain kind when even talking about something negative. I will be Laura Bush.

Author’s Note: Pearl Jam, when it comes to me, never really needs an explanation, but that won’t stop me. I write I Am Mine on many things as a daily reminder that I putting myself first. That everything I am doing, I am doing for me.