I am me

“Can’t keep up with my rhythm, though they keep trying. Too quick for the lines they throw.  I walk to the sound of my own drum. It goes, they go, we go, hey yeah yeah yeah,” The Walker, Fitz and the Tantrums

Today while I was out for breakfast I had a stranger approach me and he gave me a lovely compliment. There was no hidden agenda behind his words; he was simply being nice. I don’t know how our paths crossed, how he knew I needed to hear it, or why he picked me, but I was thankful. I wasn’t just thankful for his words, I was thankful to be reminded that there are nice people in the world.

It was also a reminder to continue to be me. I am sure some reading this are thinking I am either self-righteous or self-serving, and that no one can always be as kind as I try to be. And you know what? No one can. We all fail sometimes. We all let others get the best of us. None of us are perfect.

But regardless of all this, I don’t believe I am any of the things mentioned earlier. I am just me. And here are a few things that I hope to never change about me. A few things that I hope will continue to inspire my blog and my readers.

I don’t believe in defending myself against anything that isn’t true. How can you defend something that wasn’t true in the first place? All this does is fuel a fire that doesn’t deserve to burn. All this does is make everyone look foolish.

I don’t believe in ever running my mouth about others, even those that choose to speak unkind of me or others. I left high school a long time ago. What’s the point of this? People expecting to tell me something others have said to get me to engage are often disappointed. I just listen and leave it at that. I won’t give you anything to take back and say I said. Silence can’t be misquoted.  I don’t think this makes me self-righteous or too good to be true, I think this makes me a good person. This makes me a trying person. I try every day to hold my tongue. Sometimes it is tough, but I will always try.

Don’t get me wrong, I do say unkind things. It is only human. But I try to not say them from a place of hurt or anger. And I am incredibly selective as to who I say these things to (where my girls at?). It takes me a very long time to open up to anyone about anything. And those that I do go to I hope know this. The few I have sought guidance from lately haven’t done anything to lose my trust and I hope they never will.

Along the same lines, I believe in letting others make their own judgments of others. I am not going to say anything to sway their view one way or another. When someone asks me what happened in any situation I just respectfully decline to give detail. If others involved are not there to defend themselves, I don’t want to be the reason they are viewed negatively. If you are to be viewed in a negative light, I want you to do that all on your own.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t always apply to friends. My friends hear my side of the story, but I still try to stop myself from saying anything too prejudicial in either direction. But when it comes to best friends, all bets are off.

One final note, the little things in life make me incredibly happy. This may be why I miss out on the “big” things, but such is life. I get happy when I get a new Barbie. I get happy when the sun is out. I get happy when I have a good run. I get happy when I get concert tickets. I get happy when a friend has good news. I get happy when an episode of Law & Order I haven’t seen in years is on. I get happy when a movie I want to see is released. I love the little things. I get so excited, I can’t help it. It has annoyed people in my past, but I guess some of us have to be annoying.

And I get happy about Laura Bush. I get happy when someone references her to me. I get happy when someone in my life looks at me and says, “what would Laura Bush do?”

Author’s note: This song came on earlier and I was just really feeling it. I love this band.

Tough Situation

“I’ve got fire for a heart. I’m not scared of the dark. You’ve never seen it look so easy,” Drag Me Down, One Direction

Last night I was hit smack in the face with a What Would Laura Bush Do situation. But can I pull it off?

So the events of the last few weeks have reached a new level of ridiculous in the form of bad mouthing. The problem? Not a single word of it is true. So what to do?

I learned of this information via a phone call from a friend. I was pretty speechless at first. Nothing you say ever stays silent, it always finds its way to the person in which you are speaking. Of course this didn’t take long seeing as it took three people to get to me. Whether this was the intention or not, I found out.

Now after I hung up the phone I was livid. No one wants to be talked about negatively, especially if untrue. As untrue as the things said were, the fact that this wasn’t the first time these things have been said was what really got me. Why have I ever been a topic of conversation?

I truly believe that speaking harshly about another person is a reflection of you and not the person. I was thankful I heard all this information from a friend and not someone that can’t wait to pass along the information, truth be damned. The people that love to bring others down and for whatever reason enjoy it.   

Now at first all I wanted to do was tell someone exactly where they could go. Set them straight, get my jabs in, and move on. But you know what? That feeling lasted a very short time. I stopped, calmed down, and asked, what would Laura Bush do?

What purpose would engaging it serve? People are going to always believe what they want to believe. I am not that person. I don’t believe in engaging. I believe in me. Whether it is trying to save face since I walked away; whether it is trying to continue to make me look like a fool; whether it is simply how they believe people can behave; it is not for me.

So I logged on to social media, hit the unfriend button on a few folks, looked at my best friend and said, “it’s done.”

The hurt feelings won’t go away as quickly as I walked away, but they will. I will come out unharmed since through it all I remained kind. I remained classy. I remained mature. I remained honest. I remained Laura Bush.

Author’s Note: Yep, I love One Direction.

Where my girls at?

“Waste time with a masterpiece, don’t waste time with a masterpiece,” Cake By The Ocean, DNCE

Sometimes you just need to ask, where my girls at? Tonight amongst an impending snow storm, I went to dinner with two of my friends. And it was exactly what I needed. Snow was coming down, but we weren’t bothered by it. We had drinks, food, conversation, and laughs.

It is funny how people come into your life. These two are by far two of the best additions to my life. The three of us went to school together, but it wasn’t until later in life we truly became friends. What started as a shared love of live music turned into great friendships.

These are the two that I now go to when I need to talk and that was what I needed tonight. We talked about everything going on and they listened. But more importantly, they supported me. Each weighed in on the situation with honesty, but also with kindness. I am thankful for both of them.

After we parted so we could each get home safely, I couldn’t help but wonder how you can be closer to someone you haven’t really known that long, and so far distanced from people that you have known for years. Is it simply that you outgrow each other, or is it something else? Is it something that I am doing?

I have an amazing ability to walk away. I may be dying inside, but I never show it. Yes, I do have this ability, but I also give people too many chances before I get to this point. If I cut you off, chances are you handed me the scissors. So is this why those I once sought when I was down have been replaced? Or is it simply these two came into my life at the perfect moment?

I will always be polite to my friends no matter how long it has been since we have talked, but is it wrong to not confide in them like old times? Everyone has their own lives and I can’t be selfish enough to think that I will always fit in in the same manner that I once did. This is just the nature of the beast. But should I feel guilty about that? Should I be mad when a friend gets jealous of me confiding in others? What would Laura Bush do?

I would like to think that all my friends just want the best for me, as I do them. I would like to think that my friends know I will always be there, but that sometimes we have different paths. We no longer have the same commitments, but we are forever friends.

So next time I feel as if a friendship isn’t what it once was, I will remember to look at the big picture. I will remember the good times. I will remember to ask, what would Laura Bush do?  

Author’s Note: My friend absolutely loves this song; there was no better choice for this entry.

Exhausted

“I’ve been over the hill and back, survived every kind of attack. It's been a few years at that, as a matter of fact,” By Your Side, The Black Crowes

It’s exhausting being me. Now before you roll your eyes at that statement, this is not going to be one of those “woe is me” posts that are really just a fishing expedition for compliments. It is simply a statement that I will explain.

A burden that I have always carried is that I always try to see the good in people. Regardless of how this may bite me in the ass, I always try to see the good. It is tough. It is exhausting.

This past week either I or those close to me have experienced some shit from others and I am starting to think that perhaps there is no good in some people. I am starting to think that selfishness is becoming the norm. I am exhausted.

A fear of mine is becoming bitter and/or jaded. I wear blinders sometimes, but that is because I want to see the good, not the bad. People hurt me and I am sure I have hurt people. I am not perfect, but I am kind. But is starting to doubt the good in people kind? Can I doubt the good in people and still consider myself kind?

As exhausted as I may be, as hurt as I may be, as sad as some of my friends are, as bad as it, you know what? I still want to be me. The more I write this post, the more I realize that this is a burden I am willing to continue to shoulder. I don’t want to be anyone else.

As stressed as I get having to be everything to everyone, to be at everything I am invited to, to be there for everyone that needs me, I am happy to be that person. Yes, I am tired. I don’t deny that it can get old. But what if I am the only one giving someone hope? Why would I take that away from another person? Whether it is just drinks my presence is requested at, or a friend going through heartbreak, I will answer the call.

Tonight when I was out with my family I was asked a question that really was the foundation of this post. My friend looked at me and said, “they clearly don’t deserve you and definitely not your kindness, why do you do it?” I just smiled and responded, “you will never give me a good enough reason to not be kind.”

Yes I can be difficult. I can reach my limit. I can give you attitude. But at the end of the day, I am Ok with that because never am I cruel. Never am I not asking, what would Laura Bush do?

People lately have gone against my belief system. I have seen the bad in them, and not the good. It has been tough. But no matter how tough, I am trying to show them how class works. I am showing them that integrity does exist. I am showing them that no matter what they come at me with, I will still be nice. I think the world needs more of it. I think I need more of it, too.

This post is a little all over the place. It may not make sense. It may be scattered. But so am I. I am going to wake up tomorrow to a new day. I am going to put on my armor in the form of a smile. I am going to greet the world ready to deflect all the negativity. I am going to be kind. I am going to believe in the good in people. I am going to ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: I love the Black Crowes. I am sure I have used this song in the past, but when I heard it tonight it had another meaning. It was a reassurance that I must continue to be there when needed. I must continue to be me.

Boiling Point

“Just take this song and you’ll never feel left all alone,” Home Sweet Home, Motley Crue

The problem with bottling everything in is that sometimes you blow. Sometimes you just lose it and anyone unfortunate enough to be near you will get the worst of it. This happened to me today. For some reason I just had enough and my best friend was the recipient of my meanness. I snapped and got an attitude with her for no other reason than I reached my boiling point. I unloaded on her about everything and sadly, none of it was because of her.

Of all the things I snapped about, not once was she the culprit. She is the one that never demands anything from me. The one that is just happy to see me when she can. The one that never expects me to work around her schedule. The one who gives me her shoulder when needed. The one that is just there no matter what.

The surprising part — she didn’t get mad. She didn’t snap back, she didn’t call me an asshole (it would have been deserved). She didn’t walk away. She listened. She let me go off about this and that and she didn’t say a word. She demonstrated in that moment how all friends should be and I am forever thankful for that. The world could take a lesson from her. Later in the day when I apologized, she accepted it, and all was good. She reminded me she is always there to listen and won’t get mad, it is what best friends do.

So how do I prevent this episode from happening again while remaining Laura Bush? The obvious answer is to let it out more often. But that is much easier said than done. I have been this way for as long as I can remember, and I can’t change overnight. I am trying, but it is difficult. So what is the next answer? I don’t know.

I am blessed to have two best friends (my sister not included). One lives a couple states away, and one lives about 15 miles from me. And the Laura Bush thing to do would be to open up to them more and prevent it from boiling over. These two I trust more than anyone, they will listen and maybe prevent the ugliness of today. So I made a phone date with one, and a television date with the other this week.

So I must remember to talk and share. I must remember to not let it get bad. I must remember to ask, what would Laura Bush do?  

Author’s note: The lyrics to this song are both haunting and beautiful. When I hear this song I stop for a moment and just listen. I forget the world and let the ballad wash over me. It will always be a favorite of mine.

Two situations

“Plus I showed up with a coat fresher than wet paint. So if love is a chess game, check mate,” Berzerk, Eminem

Today I faced two situations that required me to stop and ask, what would Laura Bush do?

The first was in the result of a message from someone. It was someone that I recently had a falling out with. It was from someone that I didn’t think I would hear from again, they made their choice, nor was I sure that I ever wanted contact again. As I read the “innocent” message I was plagued with what to do. Should I engage and just lay it all out there, or do I ignore it? What to do?

I thought for a little while and came to this conclusion, I was going to be nice. I will answer the question asked and leave it at that. I could ignore it, but how is that being kind? Remember, there is no reason not to be kind. You can be angry, but you can’t be unkind. I could lay into the person since they opened the door, but what would that accomplish other than making me angrier? So I answered, got a response back, and that was all she wrote.

I don’t know the reason behind the seemingly innocent text. I have never been one that can read between the lines. I don’t pick up on everything. I am clueless. But I believe that to the best of my ability, I was classy. It may be the end of our contact, but that is now out of my hands. I am Ok with how I behaved.

The second moment was later in the day when talking to someone. This person knows all involved and I could have easily unloaded on them all that has happened. They would be interested. But they would spread it around. They would want people to know the truth. While I am thankful that they would be standing up for me and my wellbeing, I am glad that I never mentioned a word. I never mentioned anything even remotely close to the situation. I thought to myself, what would that solve? How would that not make me sink to a level I don’t want to be on? How would that help my privacy that I value so deeply? How would that be Laura Bush? So I remained quiet and I am happy that I did. Silence is my policy.

I was faced with two situations and I believe I did just as Laura Bush would. It may be for nothing in the grand scheme of things to others, but remaining classy will always be something to me. Thank you, Laura Bush.

Author’s note: People always seem to be surprised that I love Eminem. I don’t agree with him on many things (he is far removed from Laura Bush), but what I do agree with is his ability to use words. I get lost in his use of words. I don’t have his talent, but perhaps someday a reader will get lost in my words.

Defending

“And you’re trying to find an opening line or a brilliant idea, and you’re pacing the floor, and hoping for just a bit of divine intervention,” Hard to Be the Bard, Something Rotten

Wow, two posts in one day…what! After coming home from a great night with my BFF and her family, I wasn’t tired. I should be and have to be to work awfully early, but I am not tired. I don’t think I will sleep much. And when I don’t sleep, words race through my head and the only cure is getting them out Laura Bush style.

What I was thinking about on my way home is clear signs when something or someone is over. There are many different signs, on many different levels that can signify the end of something. Aside from death, there is one that I think is a clear-cut sign that something has ended — defending. When someone does not defend you, you know it is over. Whether it is friend or a significant other, defending shows you where you stand.

In my case, I wasn’t defended to someone. This person said things that were not true to someone that knows better and who should have come to my defense. This didn’t happen and I knew in that situation that it was time to tap out. For whatever reason, they didn’t say a word and let the non-truth be said. That was their decision and that reflects their character. Yes the things said reflect mine, but only if people choose to believe it. How someone feels about me or what they believe to be true is on them and frankly none of my business.

So what would Laura Bush do when faced with a situation that she was not treated in a respectful way. Would she say something? Would she stand her ground? Would she walk away? I don’t know exactly, but I know she would handle it with class. She would just remain mature in whatever path she chooses. I am choosing to take a step back. I am choosing to let the two involved have each other; they deserve each other and don’t deserve me. They don’t deserve my words. They don’t deserve my defense. But I believe everyone deserves kindness. So kindness is what I will give them. Aside from this entry that they will most likely never discover, I will walk away. This I believe is the kindest thing I can do. I will be Laura Bush.

But just because one person doesn’t defend you when they know the truth, doesn’t mean someone else won’t. My BFF may not always agree with my choices, but she always agrees with me. She will support me no matter what. This is how friends should always be. If you have a friend that does this for you, hold on to them. Always treat them with kindness. Always cherish them.

While I begin to sort through whom to keep in my life, I will make sure to look at a person’s actions in all situations. Actions speak louder than words ever could. Are you worth it to keep around? Should I move on and away no matter how long we have been a part of each other’s lives? And most importantly when reevaluating friendships, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s note: I went a little different route tonight and used a musical as my lyric. This musical is my new favorite and was playing as I finished this blog. Why not use it? Look it up, it’s great!