I am mine

“Me, I figure as each breath goes by, I only own my mind,” I Am Mine, Pearl Jam

I often wonder what it says about me when it comes to editing me around certain people. I am always me, but what does it mean when I only will share certain information? I am incredibly private, that has always been true, but why do I guard my life around certain people? Does it make me dishonest or is it more a protective shield?

The world is full of people who overshare, and I do somewhat envy them. They will just put it all out there and the outcome be damned. That is not me, that has never been me. But since I value honesty, am I basically being a hypocrite by being guarded? If I did something in my past, why do I sometimes not share? Is it judgment? Or is it just because of the trust of certain people?

There are two people in this world that I share everything with. Two people that know every detail, every feeling, but I have more friends than two. So what is my issue with sharing with everyone? If asked about something, I will respond honestly, but I will maybe not tell everything. Should I work on this? Would Laura Bush?

When I stop and think about who knows what, I begin to realize that it comes down to one word — trust. I love all my friends, but I do trust others more. This is on me as some may not have done anything in my past to warrant me being uneasy with sharing. Yes, some have. Some that were once in my life, unfortunately, know me better than I would like, but none of these would I call friend. They have shared about me with others, and that I will spend my life dealing with. I do believe talking about someone reflects more on the one speaking than the one you may be speaking of. But what does it take to be more open? What would Laura Bush do?

Well I think Laura Bush would take each person one on one. If there is something stopping me from being completely open with someone, I need to think about what that may be. It might be fear, I am scared of a great deal in this world. It might be knowing the others in their world and wanting to be guarded around outside forces. But it also may simply be that I just don’t want to share something. It may be in the past and no need to be discussed. It may be that I don’t want a particular person to think I was even mentioning them. It may just be me.

There really is no rhyme or reason to me, I am random. I don’t think I am being dishonest when I stay private, I think I am just being me. This blog is helping me not bottle everything up, but this will take quite some time to overcome. Being private doesn’t mean that I care what others think of me, it means I am being me. I am awkward, I am uneasy, I am being the person I have always been.

So as I continue down the road with my friends, I will try to open up more. I will try to share more. I will try to always remain kind when even talking about something negative. I will be Laura Bush.

Author’s Note: Pearl Jam, when it comes to me, never really needs an explanation, but that won’t stop me. I write I Am Mine on many things as a daily reminder that I putting myself first. That everything I am doing, I am doing for me.

Thought provoking

“I know it’s hard to keep an open heart when even friends seem out to harm you,” November Rain, Guns N’ Roses

This weekend as I was discussing my blog with my big sister, she said something that really stayed with me. For some of the negativity I am getting for it, she said, “the thing with your blog is how thought provoking it is. It makes me wonder if I have ever done any of the things you write about.”

I didn’t necessarily set out to make people question their actions, but it is a pleasant surprise. It helps me better define my process going forward. If by helping one person think and then act as Laura Bush, I am essentially helping someone be a better person, and how could anyone not like that? You may already be a wonderful human being, but we all can still use a little Laura Bush every now and again.

As my conversation continued with my sister, it turned to small towns. One thing that I am most proud of is that I grew up in a small town. For all the stereotypes small towns bring, I am still happy that I grew up in the setting I did. I have been blessed to travel, but I still love coming home.

Anyway, she made a good point that if people from our town knew about my blog, they all would be faithful readers because they would want to know who I was speaking of. They might be disappointed that I don’t overshare, but they would still read. And you know what? That would be Ok with me.

Not because the more traffic driven to my blog just helps me (added bonus), but because they may stop and think. After the speculation and assumption is over, it might help them better live a kind life. Some people I don’t think could possibly be any kinder than they are now, but others could. A kind world makes us all better.

As I continue on this path, I plan to keep in mind that some people out there are really thinking about what I write. I hope I continue to provoke their thoughts while staying true to me by asking, what would Laura Bush do?  

Author’s Note: Aside from really wanting the wedding dress in this video, I always thought the lyrics to this song were beautiful. Nothing too complex, just raw emotion with an incredible soundtrack.

The day for this post has come

“Write your problems down in detail, take them to a higher place,” Bloody Well Right, Supertramp

So tonight as I get home from a long, exhausting day I find myself about to write the blog I feared I would have to write, but somehow knew someday I would have to write.

The thing with my blog, as of now, is that I am not promoting it. Don’t get me wrong, it is located on two sites, one being a newspaper’s website, so I am getting it out there. By promoting, I mean I am not yet showcasing it on social media, or telling the world. I want people to find it on their own, aside from some I have told from the beginning and are religious readers. I am still figuring it all out, and until my clear plan is functioning on all cylinders, I am just letting those find it one way or another without my help.

Because I am not necessarily directing people to my site, readers are finding it at different times. Not knowing how much people have read, I feel I may need to again reinforce my process and how I plan to proceed when creating entries.

It seems that recently a blog post upset an individual. This person was not the subject of any particular entry, but may have felt this way. For this I am sorry, but not for my words. A writer must stand by the words they use, for better or worse. The life of a writer is a hard one as we know the power of the written word. I personally get lost in the written word and strive to write words that make someone feel something. The goal of a writer is to affect the reader. But because I know what words can lead to, I must clarify just how I work.

I strive to be honest, first and foremost. I also will not name names and will provide as little detail as possible so no one really knows of who I may be speaking. I will never tell anyone who anything is referencing, no one needs to know.

The reason, this blog is about me and my world, it is not about anyone else. I don’t think it is right to bring someone else in when they didn’t choose to have a blog. I will sometimes use vague terms such as they or not refer to the correct sex to keep others from being recognized. I believe this is the wise thing to do. I also will check with those I am able before being discussed. I am not saying I will tell them what I am writing, but I ask permission for a person to be written about. Of course people I don’t know I don’t ask because how could I? I don’t plan to ever say anything incredibly harsh. It has pained me to have to contact a few people for permission, but I did.

But permission aside, I must stand behind my work. I took it upon myself to change some things recently to reflect more closely who I was referring, but then I talked to a writer friend who changed my mind. He reminded me that by changing anything, it changes the integrity of what I wrote. So I will be changing it back. It is already out there, I must stand by it whatever the cost.

This post may be contradictory of that, but in this case it was needed. I am taking the high road, much like I think Laura Bush would do. She is integrity, she is class, she is my inspiration.

I try to be positive every day, and even entries that are negative I try to end on a positive note. This won’t always happen, sometimes even I can’t be all sunshine and rainbows. But I still hope to never say anything too harsh. That doesn’t serve a purpose for anything, so why even start. Again, I am sure I will fail sometimes at this but we all make mistakes. I will always accept fault. Laura Bush has taught me that.

But since I am being honest, I will say that too much should not be read into all my blogs. This goal of five new entries a week I have found to be quite difficult sometimes. The words aren’t always there, nor do I expect a Laura Bush moment daily. Because of that, sometimes I must draw on friends’ experiences and make them my own. It is always my beliefs and feelings, but sometimes they provide the set up.

Also, the day reference may not always match up since I will write more than one some days and keep for those writer’s block days. I don’t always remember to change such references as last night. Anyone that has been a loyal reader knows I struggle with proofing what I write, so I will forget. I have trouble reading my own work once I finish. I am working on it. I am learning that this may make things come off differently than I intend and that I hope to prevent.  

All this said, I can’t feel bad if someone reads something and assumes it is about them. If I touch a nerve or someone feels guilty, that is on them. If you don’t ask me, don’t assume. Nine times out of 10, someone who thinks I am speaking of them is wrong. But when they are right, I will admit it. I will ask readers to first read everything, then contact me. I am not perfect, but I am honest.

In the end, this blog is personal self-discovery on a public scale. We all see things differently, and this is my view and mine alone. I will stumble, I will pick the wrong words, but I will continue to find my way and live life how I think Laura Bush would. I will keep getting knocked down, but I will keep getting up by asking, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: When I got in my car today after work, this was the song that was beginning on the radio. I sat listening to the words, processing the day. I have always been a Supertramp fan, but today was the first time that they really, truly spoke to me. Bloody well right they deserve a shout out.

Surprise

“I have climbed highest mountains, I have run through the fields,” I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, U2

It is funny how some people can really surprise you. How just when you are about to write someone off they do or say something that shocks you. This happened to me last night. I ran into someone I hadn’t really seen in a while. It was just a random chance meeting in a store that started off a little awkward. After the customary chit chat I was certain that would be the end of the conversation.

The talk turned to me and my life, always a cautionary tale, and I filled them in on some things. Usually when I talk about my future plan, which only a few selective individuals have been privy to all the details, I either get a look of confusion or judgment. I am not saying this person is judgmental, but some people just don’t get it or understand. And that is why I am selective as to what details I share with what people.  

After I got done talking, they said “that is so awesome, I have always believed in you.” I was floored. I mean, who doesn’t want to hear that? They continued on about how it may at first be tough, but it was about time I did this and put myself first. We hugged, promised to lunch soon, and went on our way.

What does this have to do with Laura Bush you ask? Well, it is really quite simple. I didn’t write this person off, I was honest, and I didn’t quickly end the surprise encounter by rushing through the conversation. I doubt we actually will do lunch anytime soon, but I do know what they said to me was true. There was no ill will that we just grew apart, no ill will that I made numerous life changes this year, there was just support and friendship.

So next time you think about quickly ending a conversation with someone you have a chance meeting with, remember what would Laura Bush do? You may just be surprised.

Author’s Note: Does any song from U2 really need an explanation?

Mistakes

“Move along, move along like I know you do,” Move Along, The All-American Rejects

So last night I made a mistake that resulted in the perfect time to do as Laura Bush would. The mistake came in the form of a Facebook error. I apparently liked a photo that I had no intention of liking. I don’t actually remember ever seeing the photo and it wasn’t until I was looking for something on my activity log that I realized what I had done. The funny thing was, I didn’t even know I was still “friends” with this person. Clearly I was, and clearly I had liked the photo.

Thankfully it wasn’t a photo of anything offensive and one I probably would have liked had I had any desire to have contact with this person. Excuses aside, this was in the end my mistake. So what to do?

My gut reaction was to immediately unlike the photo. But hours had passed since I did like it, so that may be mean. Even if the person never noticed I liked it or un-liked it, I would know. That is even more suspicious than me liking it in the first place. I thought, “well maybe I will just wait and unlike it in the morning.” Nah, that is suspicious as well since it would mean it was still bothering me. So what did I decide to do?

I let it go. I decided on the classy move to just leave it as is. The damage has been done, so no turning back now. People can think what they want about me liking it, I don’t mind. If all people have to talk about is who likes what on Facebook, they clearly have bigger problems than my intentions behind something. And honestly, I doubt anyone even thought twice about it because who am I? No one particularly special that would warrant a detailed analysis of everything I do on Facebook.

And as for this particular person thinking one thing or another of me doing it, oh well. I don’t believe it will result in anything, things will stay as they have been for months. And if they don’t, I will simply ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: I figured quoting this song was perfect for today’s entry. Just like liking the photo, I don’t remember ever downloading this song, but there it is on my ipod.

Picking your words

“It’s a beautiful day and I can’t stop myself from smiling. If we’re drinking, then I’m buying,” It’s a Beautiful Day, Michael Bublé

I realized today there is a way to tell the type of person someone really is, and it is so simple I am annoyed I never came to this conclusion before. When a person decides which word between we and I to use, it can tell you a lot. Which of these words a person chooses to use in certain contexts is a choice whether they really realize they are doing it or not.

It may or may not mean a person is selfish, but it is a window into the person. Some people may never realize they are doing it, but I am sure some do. Those that do probably have always been this way, but what about those that don’t realize? Should you slowly start to pull away?

Some people crave attention so is this their way of fulfilling that craving? Should you give in and just accept it? Or should you demand recognition? What would Laura Bush do?

I think she would just let it go. Why make a big deal about not getting a we but instead an I from someone? Does it really matter? I would really hope getting recognition for something isn’t anyone’s main goal for doing something. But if it is, then maybe you should be speaking up. But if you do speak up, does that make you an (insert bad word here)?

Now I get very uncomfortable with attention, but I understand others may not necessarily need it but want credit. So to them I say, speak up. If you think you deserve just as much praise for being a part of something with someone else, then let it be known. But do it in a classy, Laura Bush way, nobody likes an (insert bad word here).

As for me, it doesn’t really bother me. I now believe that I can tell a lot about someone by which word they choose to use, but that is on them. I am not going to judge them for it, we all are different. So next time someone leaves me out and makes something solely about them I will simply ask, what would Laura Bush do?

Author’s Note: I don’t really know why, but I just really like this song from Michael Bublé. It may be the lyrics, the rhythm, or just the brass section, but whatever it is I love it!

Staying quiet

“We can try to understand The New York Times’ effect on man,” Stayin’ Alive, The Bee Gees

There are a lot of lessons that can be learned by deciding to live my life, as best I can, by asking myself what would Laura Bush do? One I have really come to understand is how staying quiet when it comes to advice giving is sometimes the best bet. Laura Bush is always polite and remains classy, and I shall do the same. Most times people don’t even listen, so why bother?

Any dangerous situations always warrant speaking up, but it is the other times I have decided to just remain quiet. I will politely nod, agree, and let it go. When people come to you for advice, yet do the opposite time and time again, it is frustrating. And it gets old, really old. Even with the best intentions when giving advice, people don’t want to hear about that. They essentially want you to validate whatever it is they say, so I have decided to do just that. If anything, it will surely end the conversation quicker.

There is a difference between venting and seeking advice. Venting is a whole different ballgame. When someone needs to vent, they don’t want your take, they want to just get it out to feel better. But when you contact someone specifically for advice, one would think they want to hear from you. For one reason or another, they trust you and want your help. And what a slap in the face it becomes when they continually don’t listen.

Not all advice is always going to be perfect. There are topics that I admit I am not the one to seek wisdom from. I am up front when it is time for those topics. I am not saying to take all advice given, I am saying to at least think about it. When someone keeps making the same mistakes, same outcomes, listen to those close to you as there is a reason they are saying what they are.

And above all, don’t overreact. If someone gives you advice that you may not particularly like, don’t get defensive. Someone needs to look out for you. If you take time to let said advice sink in before attacking, you may just realize there are good intentions behind the advice.  

The past couple of weeks I have had a couple people talk to me and in the end, my words meant nothing and things turned out how I feared they would. It happens and I don’t believe all my advice is brilliant, but my reason behind said advice was one of good. But after another round of not being listened to, and me having to pick up the pieces yet again, I had an epiphany. Now I know why Laura Bush doesn’t engage. She is the brilliant one.

I will always be there with an ear to listen, but before I speak I am going to think of Laura Bush. If the topic isn’t anything dangerous to the person or anyone else, I am just going to agree and kindly support any decision they come to. I may not agree with the decisions, but I support my friends and if it is what they want, then it is what I want as well. It may not be the right thing at all times, but it is as close to being Laura Bush as I can get and that is always right in my book.

Author’s note: Any one that doesn’t respect the music of the Bee Gees is really missing out. Sometimes all you need is a great pop tune to get your day going!

No good

“I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there, but just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware,” Wild World, Cat Stevens

The last few days I have had the distinct privilege of seeing both the best and the worst in people. This has brought me to an unfortunate conclusion — there is just no good in some people. It is sad, but it is true.

A downfall of mine (so I am told by numerous people) is that I always try to see the good in people. No matter the person, I can find the good. It may not be much, but it is there if you look hard enough. I am a firm believer in never letting anyone bring you low enough to hate, but sometimes even I question it. Not hating someone, but finally realizing there just isn’t any good in there to see.  

One of my brothers said something to me that has always stuck, “Kitt, sometimes your faith in people outweighs your common sense.” No, he wasn’t calling me dumb, I don’t think, but he was warning me, and reminding me, of some of the hurt in my past. I do have faith in people, but I do know when enough is enough. It just might take me a little longer to get there.  

When you realize that everything someone has ever said to you was a lie and what you wanted to hear in that moment, all manipulated to get what they want, you realize there is no good. No one deserves disrespect, even those that may fall for any lie or action. But what does it say about you when you think someone isn't a good person, but everyone around sings their praises? Who is right and who is wrong? Does it matter?

I understand that history dictates a lot of these feelings, but when that doesn’t really come in to play and you are just taking someone at face value, is it wrong to think poorly of someone? I try to let people make their own judgment of others, so the feelings I have about someone are mine. Of course if you hurt someone close to me, I will harbor ill will, but again that goes back to there being history.

So next time I am sitting there listening to people speak highly of someone when all I want to do is scream everything I know about this person, I must think what would Laura Bush do? She would stay quiet, while possibly biting her tongue to ensure she remains that way. What does it matter if my opinion differs? In the grand scheme of things, this really will have no prolong effect on any of our lives. This is why they make vanilla and chocolate, everyone can decide for themselves.

It is very tough to get me to badmouth anyone, again I believe in letting people draw their own conclusions on people. As tough as this is, and how tough it will be for me not to speak up, knowing I am acting in the manner Laura Bush would act will make it so much easier. When life hands you unkind people, simply ask — what would Laura Bush do?

Happy 4th of July

“Mind the music and the step and with the girls be handy,” Yankee Doodle

Happy 4th of July everyone! This is a holiday that I really like since it celebrates two of my favorite things — America and birthdays! Does it get any better than those two things? Does it get any more Laura Bush? Nope!

Today is more than a day off and fireworks, it is day to wear that red, white and blue and be proud. I may not like the direction our country is going in some areas, but I still love my country. I still love being an American. I still love all things U-S-A. Well not all things, saying ‘Merica bugs the crap out of me and I find it a tad offensive. So other than showing pride by using that word, I love all the patriotism alive and kicking today.

But will you have that pride tomorrow?

I admit that I do get annoyed at the people that are only patriotic certain calendar days of the year, as if they need a reminder to be a proud American. That is great you are thanking the troops today, but how about thanking them every day? How about not needing a calendar to remind you that the country you call home is having a birthday. How about just waking up every day and saying thank you? You should try it.

When I get annoyed by those people that seem to be patriotic only when it involves a day off, I think what would Laura Bush do? She would let it go, and so do I. Who am I to say when someone can and can’t be patriotic? I am nobody, just a proud American. I am thankful that patriotism still exists in today’s world whether it is 365 days a year or just one day.

So go out there today and fly those glorious colors, rock that patriotic t-shirt, eat your barbecue, thank the troops, and just have one great birthday celebration for our country. America!

A new year

“But fools gold shines like diamonds in our eyes,” Fools Gold, Fitz & the Tantrums

Well, another birthday has come and gone for me. It explains my recent exhaustion and lack of entries. That, and just life. The funny thing about birthdays is it is the one day out of the year that you learn what you mean to people. Of course you have some sort of idea where you stand daily, but being your birthday is your day, you really learn.

As I have written before, I don’t expect people to love birthdays as much as me. But I do expect something. And thus, the focus of this blog. A couple examples and how I handled them by asking, what would Laura Bush do?

Earlier last week I started to hear from someone I hadn’t really spoken to much the last couple of months. For whatever reason, she just decided to cut me out of her life. That was her choice, and while I didn’t understand why, I accepted it and moved on. She was texting me like she once did, but I knew it was because of some tension between her and another friend. I dealt with it. I responded to her texts, what’s the point of making a big deal?

Come my birthday, she really went out of her way to wish me a happy birthday in many different forms. It was awesome. I agreed to plans with her to celebrate the day and was looking forward to it. Well fast forward, she cancelled. I understand that life gets in the way, but it was still really hurtful. And at that moment I knew once and for all where I stood with her. I knew it was time to just completely walk away. I realized that I am like Laura Bush. I won’t fret over it, I won’t get angry, I won’t make a scene or question it. I will be classy and I will walk away. I will always be polite and kind when it comes to her, but I will no longer set myself up to be disappointed. Laura Bush always remained classy in tense situations, and so will I.

Another funny thing about birthday is those you hear from, and those you don’t. I heard from people I haven’t spoken to probably since my last birthday. Partly thanks to Facebook and once someone mentions your birthday, the whole world knows. Even when you don’t list your birthday, like me, people still know. I thank all those people who took the few seconds out of their day to write happy birthday. Those wanting to wish me a happy birthday kept a smile on my face all day.

But what about the ones that either half assed contacted me or not at all. Is this a sign of where I stand? I say yes and hint taken. No excuse needed for why you forgot or waited so late, I get it. All the best. The friends that I was “close” to forgetting or just sending me one lame text, I will remember. I don’t require gifts for my birthday, not necessary, but how about a phone call? How about really being apologetic for a late mention?

So how would Laura Bush handle these people? Well the ones that didn’t even bother contacting you, she would say good riddance. She would be classy about it, but she would still take the hint. It might be hurtful, but clearly in the end, it will be best. Same with the “close” friends, I will begin my pulling back starting now. I will remain classy about it, but maybe just stop making first contact. That one might be a little harder for me, but I am going to try. I still have an amazing group of friends and endless phone dates ahead of me, I will be fine — and classy!

As I start the next year of my life, I might be down a few friends, but I have gained some new ones that are fitting in just right. I am going to go in to this year still asking what would Laura Bush do and continue to see the results. My birthday may have shown me where I stand with some people, but that isn’t a bad thing. Now I can start my year off fresh, surrounded by great people, and continue being happy. Happy and classy — it is what Laura Bush will be doing. Cheers to another year, and more blogs!